On the other hand, if the new wife tries, overtly or covertly, to cut off or loosen the tie between father and children or to take on the role of mother to them, or if she insists that her claims always get his prior attention, forcing him to choose between them, seri- ous trouble is also predictable. Variations in which the new wife claims to support her husband but embarks on a battle with his ex-wife as the source of the difficulties are equally dysfunctional.
Often the stepparent feels he or she knows what the other parent is doing wrong with his or her children and forcefully pushes these parenting ideas. Such efforts are very likely to jam the circuits for everyone the new couple, the stepparent/stepchild relationships, and extended family relationships, where people get called upon to choose up sides.
Since it is not possible either to erase or to acquire emotional experience overnight, it is useful to conceptualize the joining of partners at two dif- ferent life cycle phases as a process in which both spouses have to learn to function in several different life cycle phases simultaneously and out of their usual sequence. The new wife will have to struggle with the role of stepmother to teenagers before becoming an experienced wife or mother herself. Her husband will have to retraverse with her several phases that he has passed through before: the honeymoon, the new mar- riage with its emphasis on romance and social activities, and the birth and rearing of any new children of their own. Both need to be aware that a second passage through these phases automatically reactivates some of the intensity over issues that were problematic the first time. Attempts to "make up for" past mistakes or grievances may overload the new relationship. The focus needs to be on having the experiences again, not on undoing, redoing, or denying the past. With open discussion, mutual support, understanding, and a lot of thoughtful planning, this straddling of sev- eral phases simultaneously can provide rejuvenation for the older spouse and experience for the younger spouse that can enrich their lives. If the difficulties are not understood and dealt with, they will surface as conflict or emotional distance at each life cycle tran- sition and for each subsystem of the remarried family.
Spouses at the same life cycle phase
When remarried spouses come together at the same phase of the family life cycle, their greatest difficul- ties generally relate to whether they are at a child- bearing phase. Obviously, spouses with no children from previous marriages bring the least complexity to the new situation. Families with grown children and grandchildren on both sides have long and complex histories and will require careful thought to negoti- ate successfully. But neither of these circumstances provides nearly the degree of strain that families with young or adolescent children are likely to experience, where the roles of active parenting and stepparenting must be included in the new family. Unfortunately, the advantage of both partners having similar tasks, responsibilities, and experiences may easily drown in a competitive struggle that stems from the overload of tasks and concerns (six children are not as easy to raise or support as three), the intense emotional investment in good parenting ("My methods are bet- ter than your methods"), and the need to include both ex-spouses in the many arrangements regarding the children ("Why do you let your ex dictate our lives?").
Stepfamilies and young children
Children's struggles with the predictable issues may sur- face as school or behavior problems, withdrawal from family and peers, or acting-out behavior, all of which complicate or even obstruct the process of family reor- ganization. Indications are that preschool children, if given some time and help in mourning their previous loss, adjust most easily to a new stepfamily, while adjust- ment is most difficult for stepfamilies with teenagers. Latency age children seem to have the most difficulty resolving their feelings of divided loyalty and benefit from careful attention to their need for contact with both parents. Clearly, children of all ages suffer when there is intense conflict between their parents and benefit when they maintain civil, cooperative, co-parental relationships. If parents cannot be cooperative, tightly structur- ing the relationships is the next best alternative.
Stepfamilies with adolescents
Since the difficulties that most American families have with adolescents are legendary, it is not surprising that early adolescence seems the most difficult time for both boys and girls to adjust to their parents' remarriage. The additional complications of this phase in stepfamilies can push the stress level beyond manageable bonds. We have found the following issues common in stepfamilies at this phase.
1. Conflict between the remarried family's need to coalesce and the normal focus of adoles- cents on separation: Adolescents often resent the major shifts in their customary family pat- terns and resist learning new roles and relating to new family members when they are con- cerned with growing away from the family.
2. Stepparents get stuck if they attempt to disci- pline an adolescent stepchild.
