It is surprising how often visitation decreases when either parent remarries. While the intention may be to have the child bond with the stepparent, the likelihood that strong and positive relationships will develop between children and their stepparents is diminished by a lack of relationship with the non- custodial parent. A parent's hope that the new spouse will step up and handle administrative arrangements with the ex-spouse, serious discipline issues and visi- tation arrangements are misguided at best.
The original parent should always remain in charge of the relationship with the ex-spouse and should always handle the disciplining of his or her own children. This should never be given over to the new spouse. But couples who feel worn out or frustrated with the previous partner make this mistake regularly.
When there are child-focused problems, we routinely contact an ex-spouse and invite him or her to meet alone or with the children to hear our opinion of the children's problems that have been brought to our attention by the remarried family. When we inform the family of our intention to do this, we are frequently warned that the ex-spouse in question does not care, will not respond, or is crazy. Neverthe- less, our phone calls frequently locate a concerned parent who is perfectly willing to come in, although warning us that our client is the one with problems. Ex-spouses can frequently be engaged in subsequent sessions alone or with the children.
Our general goal in working with remarried families is to establish an open system with workable boundaries and to revise traditional gender roles. This goal requires that the former spouses work through the emotional divorce, which we assume is not resolved if ex-spouses are not speaking or have continuous conflicts. The goal then is to create an open, working, co-parental relationship.
The following guidelines summarize our clini- cal recommendations:
1.Take a three-generational genogram and out line previous marriages before plunging into current household problems.
2.Educate and normalize continuously, regarding the predictable patterns and processes in remarriage, keeping in mind particular difficulties related to:
a.Family members being at different life cycle stages
b.The emotionally central role of women in families and their special difficulties in moving into a new system, where much is demanded of them
c.Couples trying to maintain the myth of the intact nuclear family
3.Beware of families struggling with develop- mental tasks before they have adopted the pre- requisite attitudes for remarriage: for example, a parent pushing a child and stepparent to be close without accepting that their relationship will take time to develop.
