Predictable Issues in Remarriage Adjustment and family integration issues with stepparents and stepchildren
The stereotypes of stepparents are deeply blaming. Most difficult of all is the role of stepmother. The problem for her is especially poignant, since she is usually the one most sensitive to the needs of others, and it will be extremely difficult for her to take a back seat while her husband struggles awkwardly in an uncomfortable situation. The fact is that she has no alternative. Women's tendency to take responsi bility for family relationships, to believe that what goes wrong is their fault and that, if they just try hard enough, they can make things work out, are the major problems for them in remarried families, since the situation carries with it built-in structural ambiguities, loyalty conflicts, guilt, and member ship problems. Societal expectations for stepmoth- ers to love and care for their stepchildren are also stronger than for stepfathers. If stepfathers help out a bit financially and do a few administrative chores, they may be viewed as an asset, even though that is not a satisfactory parental role. But the expectation for stepmothers is that they will make up to children for whatever losses they have experienced, which is, of course, impossible. Clinically, it is important to relieve them of these expectations.
A stepmother's ambivalence about her parent- ing role tends to be particularly acute when step- children are young and remain in the custody of her husband's ex-wife. In this common situation, stepmothers tend to be less emotionally attached to the children and to feel disrupted and exploited during their visits. Meanwhile the husband's co- parenting partnership may appear to be conducted more with his ex-spouse than with her. Conflicting role expectations set mothers and stepmothers into competitive struggles over childrearing practices. It appears to be better for stepmothers to retain their work outside the home for their independence, emo- tional support, and validation. In addition to contrib- uting needed money, it makes them less available at home for the impossible job of dealing with the husband's children.
Along with finances, stepchildren are the major contributor to remarriage adjustment problems. Remarriage often leads to a renewal of custody diffi- culties in prior relationships. Families with stepchildren are much more complicated and twice as likely to divorce. Marital satisfaction is correlated with the stepparent's connection to stepchildren. Although the remarriage itself might be congenial, the presence of stepchildren often creates child-related problems that may lead the couple to separate. Some stepparents do not even consider their live-in step- child as part of the family, and stepchildren are even more likely to discount their live-in stepparents. Stepchildren are much more likely to change residence or leave home early than biological children. Children in stepfamilies may appear to have more power than children in first families, although they experience less autonomy than in the single-parent phase, where they typically have more adult privileges and responsibilities.
Stepparents need to take a slow route to parent hood, first becoming friends with their stepchildren, and only gradually assuming an active role in parent ing. It generally takes at least 2 years to become comanagers of their stepchildren with their spouses. For stepparents to compete with their stepchildren for pri- macy with their spouse is inappropriate, as if the couple and parent-child relationships were on the same hierarchical level, which, of course, they are not.
Stepfathers may get caught in the bind between rescuer and intruder, called upon to help discipline the stepchildren and then criticized by them and their mother for this intervention. Over-trying by the new parent is a major problem, often related to guilt about unresolved or unresolvable aspects of the system.
Overall, mothers, daughters, stepdaughters, and stepmothers experience more stress, less sat- isfaction, and more symptoms than fathers, sons, stepsons, and stepfathers. Stepmother-stepdaughter relationships tend to be the most difficult of all. Daughters, who are often closest to mothers in divorce, tend to have a lot of difficulty with stepfa- thers, no matter how hard the stepfather tries. Girls' stress probably reflects the fact that they feel more responsible for emotional relationships in a family and thus get caught between loyalty and protection of their mothers and conflicts with their stepmothers. While divorce appears to have more adverse effects for boys, remarriage is more disruptive for girls. Boys, who are often difficult for a single mother, may settle down after the entry of a stepfather.
Different issues arise when stepfamilies are formed after the premature death of a parent than after a divorce. Gender differences are a key factor. A new stepfather may be perceived as rescuing the family from poverty after the death of the primary wage earner, whereas children tend to view their mother as completely irreplaceable and resent any efforts of another woman to function in her role. However, young children will eventually accept a stepparent, including a stepmother, if the remaining parent can help the children to grieve for their loss before confronting them with a stepmother. When the father does remarry, he needs to help the children to accept the new person in her own right rather than collude with the children in wanting the family to continue in the same way it did when their mother was alive. On the other hand, if insufficient attention is paid to the children's grief work, they may never accept a stepmother. (For a videotape with com- mentary on a family dealing with these issues, see McGoldrick, 1996.)
Although the fact that the ex-spouse is not around to "interfere" may be an advantage, ghosts can be even more powerful, especially given peo- ple's tendency to idealize a parent who is lost prema- turely. It may be harder to recognize and deal with a triangle with a dead parent. Talking, remembering. and acknowledging the dead person's human failings and foibles help to exorcise the ghost, but none of this can be done without the active leadership of the surviving parent. Late adolescents or older children. generally resist attempts to "replace" their dead parent, and the wise stepparent will honor that position.
Violence and abuse appear to be much more common in stepfamilies than in first families (Brody, 1998), probably because of the system's structural complexity and the fact that they have not had time to develop relationship bonds, and many do not withstand the early stages of family reor- ganization. But the instability of remarried families should not be overstated. Remarried partners do not wait as long as partners in first families to leave an unhappy situation, and those who manage the early years have no greater likelihood of divorcing than in first marriages.
The stress of money
