Stepparents need to take a slow route to parent hood, first becoming friends with their stepchildren, and only gradually assuming an active role in parent ing. It generally takes at least 2 years to become comanagers of their stepchildren with their spouses. For stepparents to compete with their stepchildren for pri- macy with their spouse is inappropriate, as if the couple and parent-child relationships were on the same hierarchical level, which, of course, they are not.
Stepfathers may get caught in the bind between rescuer and intruder, called upon to help discipline the stepchildren and then criticized by them and their mother for this intervention. Over-trying by the new parent is a major problem, often related to guilt about unresolved or unresolvable aspects of the system.
Overall, mothers, daughters, stepdaughters, and stepmothers experience more stress, less sat- isfaction, and more symptoms than fathers, sons, stepsons, and stepfathers. Stepmother-stepdaughter relationships tend to be the most difficult of all. Daughters, who are often closest to mothers in divorce, tend to have a lot of difficulty with stepfa- thers, no matter how hard the stepfather tries. Girls' stress probably reflects the fact that they feel more responsible for emotional relationships in a family and thus get caught between loyalty and protection of their mothers and conflicts with their stepmothers. While divorce appears to have more adverse effects for boys, remarriage is more disruptive for girls. Boys, who are often difficult for a single mother, may settle down after the entry of a stepfather.
Different issues arise when stepfamilies are formed after the premature death of a parent than after a divorce. Gender differences are a key factor. A new stepfather may be perceived as rescuing the family from poverty after the death of the primary wage earner, whereas children tend to view their mother as completely irreplaceable and resent any efforts of another woman to function in her role. However, young children will eventually accept a stepparent, including a stepmother, if the remaining parent can help the children to grieve for their loss before confronting them with a stepmother. When the father does remarry, he needs to help the children to accept the new person in her own right rather than collude with the children in wanting the family to continue in the same way it did when their mother was alive. On the other hand, if insufficient attention is paid to the children's grief work, they may never accept a stepmother. (For a videotape with com- mentary on a family dealing with these issues, see McGoldrick, 1996.)
Although the fact that the ex-spouse is not around to "interfere" may be an advantage, ghosts can be even more powerful, especially given peo- ple's tendency to idealize a parent who is lost prema- turely. It may be harder to recognize and deal with a triangle with a dead parent. Talking, remembering. and acknowledging the dead person's human failings and foibles help to exorcise the ghost, but none of this can be done without the active leadership of the surviving parent. Late adolescents or older children. generally resist attempts to "replace" their dead parent, and the wise stepparent will honor that position.
Violence and abuse appear to be much more common in stepfamilies than in first families (Brody, 1998), probably because of the system's structural complexity and the fact that they have not had time to develop relationship bonds, and many do not withstand the early stages of family reor- ganization. But the instability of remarried families should not be overstated. Remarried partners do not wait as long as partners in first families to leave an unhappy situation, and those who manage the early years have no greater likelihood of divorcing than in first marriages.
The stress of money
Money is a major area of conflict in remarried fami- lies. Remarriage often leads to reopening of financial battles from the divorce and to children receiving less support from their biological fathers. Traditional gender roles run completely counter to contemporary economics and to the fact that both parents usually enter remarriage with significant financial obliga- tions to the first family. Failure to pay or collect ali- mony or child support wreaks havoc in post-divorce families. A husband who is the sole wage earner in a remarried family often has to decide which set of children has top priority-his own or the stepchil- dren he lives with. These priorities are also influ- enced by his relationship with his ex-wife; if it is bad, his visits and child support payments tend to lag or even cease. A new wife may complain about the money her husband gives to his children, particularly if she does not receive the child support owed for her own children. Overall children in first families tend to receive more from their parents than chil- dren whose parents remarry. In affluent families, problems also surface around wills and how much financial assistance should be given to which adult children. Where money is concerned, blood may suddenly seem thicker than relationship.
Gays and lesbians in stepfamilies
A significant number of post-divorce families consist of a gay or lesbian couple with the children of one or both of them from a previous heterosexual marriage. These systems have all of the problems of hetero- sexual remarried systems in addition to the burdens of secrecy and isolation caused by the social stigma they have most likely experienced (Laird & Green, 1996). In extreme cases, the adults may feel that they have to try to remain closeted, even to their children, for fear of repercussions in custody or employment. There is almost always anxiety about the conse- quences of coming out to family (La Sala, 2010), the children's teachers and friends, co-workers, neigh- bors, and acquaintances. Therapists can be most helpful if, in addition to the usual therapy for remar- ried systems, they acknowledge the societal stigma that LGBT families experience and help the couple sift through their various networks to dismantle the secrecy and isolation wherever possible. Connection to supportive friends, community groups, and access to supportive literature can be extremely important.
The most complex remarried families, where both spouses bring children from previous relation- ships, tend to have the greatest difficulty establish- ing stability. All things being equal, it appears easiest if the previous spouse died, next easiest when the spouse is divorced, and hardest when the spouse has never been married, perhaps because some experi- ence with marriage appears helpful in a second mar- riage. Integration is more likely when children are not left behind by either parent, or when the new couple have a child together (although having a child to save the marriage is, of course, never a good idea). The longer the new family has together as a unit, the more likely they are to have a sense of family inte- gration. Developing a sense of belonging takes most family members 3 to 5 years, longer if there are ado- lescents. Remarried family integration appears more likely when extended family approves of or accepts the remarriage, next best when they disapprove or are negative, perhaps providing a "good enemy," and hardest when they are cutoff or indifferent.
