Triangle involving a pseudo-mutual remarried couple, an ex-spouse, and a child or children
In this triangle, the presenting problem is usually acting out or school problems with one or more chil- dren or perhaps a child's request to have custody shifted from one parent to another. The remarried couple presents itself as having no disagreements and blames either the child or the ex-spouse (or both) for the trouble. Although the request in ther- apy will be for help for the child or to manage the child's behavior, the background story will usually show intense conflict between the ex-spouses, the new spouse being totally supportive of his or her spouse in conflicts with that spouse's child. The first move in sorting out this triangle is to put the manage- ment of the child's behavior temporarily in the hands of the biological parent and get the new spouse to take a neutral position, rather than siding against the child. This move will probably calm things down, but they will usually not stay calm unless the pseudo- mutuality of the remarried couple is worked on, per- mitting differences and disagreements to be aired and resolved and permitting the child to have a rela- tionship with his or her original parent that does not automatically include the new spouse every step of the way. Finally, work will need to be done to end the battle with the ex-spouse and complete the emo- tional divorce, the lack of which is perpetuated by the intense conflict over the child or children.
Triangle involving a remarried couple in conflict over the child/children of one of them
The first of these triangles (stepmother, father, and his children), although not the most common house- hold composition, is the most problematic because of the central role the stepmother is expected to play in the lives of live-in stepchildren. If the stepmother has never been married before, and if the children's mother is alive and has a less than ideal relationship with her ex-husband, it may be an almost impossible situation. The stepmother should be helped to pull back long enough to renegotiate with both her hus- band and the children regarding what her role can realistically be. Rather than leave the stepmother and children to fight it out, the father will have to participate actively in making and enforcing what- ever rules are agreed upon. When their immedi- ate household is in order, the husband will have to work on establishing a cooperative co-parental rela- tionship with his ex-wife, or else his conflict with her will set the children off again and inevitably re-involve his new wife. If the first wife is dead, he may need to deal with his mourning for her and help his children to do the same in order to let the past go and not see his second wife as a poor replacement of his first.
When a stepmother is involved, the father needs to deliver two messages to his children:
1. Be courteous to my spouse (not "your" anything).
2. You are answering to me. You have not lost both your mother and me.
Triangle involving a pseudo-mutual remarried couple, his children, and her children
This triangle presents as a happily remarried couple with "no difficulties" except that their two sets of children fight constantly with each other. The children are usually fighting out the conflicts denied by the remarried couple either in the marriage or in the relationship with the ex-spouse(s). Since direct con- frontation of the pseudo-mutuality stiffens resistance, and since the presenting request is made in regard to the children, it is wise to begin with an exploration of the triangles involving the children and ex-spouses, focusing on the welfare of the children.
Triangle involving a parent, the biological children, and the stepchildren
As in the previous situation, this triangle may present as simple household conflict with the parent caught in the middle between his or her biological children and stepchildren. It is, in fact, quite complex, always interlocking with the triangle involving the remar- ried couple (who may have either a pseudo-mutual or a conflictual relationship) and the triangles with both ex-spouses.
