When a stepmother is involved, the father needs to deliver two messages to his children:
1. Be courteous to my spouse (not "your" anything).
2. You are answering to me. You have not lost both your mother and me.
Triangle involving a pseudo-mutual remarried couple, his children, and her children
This triangle presents as a happily remarried couple with "no difficulties" except that their two sets of children fight constantly with each other. The children are usually fighting out the conflicts denied by the remarried couple either in the marriage or in the relationship with the ex-spouse(s). Since direct con- frontation of the pseudo-mutuality stiffens resistance, and since the presenting request is made in regard to the children, it is wise to begin with an exploration of the triangles involving the children and ex-spouses, focusing on the welfare of the children.
Triangle involving a parent, the biological children, and the stepchildren
As in the previous situation, this triangle may present as simple household conflict with the parent caught in the middle between his or her biological children and stepchildren. It is, in fact, quite complex, always interlocking with the triangle involving the remar- ried couple (who may have either a pseudo-mutual or a conflictual relationship) and the triangles with both ex-spouses.
Triangle involving remarried spouses and the parents of either
This triangle features the in-laws as part of the pre- senting problem, but it should be remembered that relationships with the grandparents' generation are as crucial in remarried families as they are in all other families, and their exploration should be a routine part of any evaluation. The presentation of the older generation as part of the current problem is most likely to occur if they have disapproved of the divorce and remarriage or have been actively involved in caring for their grandchildren before or during the remarriage.
Clinical Guidelines
We recommend the following general guidelines to help remarried families think of themselves as pio- neers, inventing new and workable structures:
