The following guidelines summarize our clini- cal recommendations:
1. Take a three-generational genogram and out line previous marriages before plunging into current household problems.
2. Educate and normalize continuously, regarding the predictable patterns and processes in remarriage, keeping in mind particular difficulties related to:
a. Family members being at different life cycle stages
b. The emotionally central role of women in families and their special difficulties in moving into a new system, where much is demanded of them
c. Couples trying to maintain the myth of the intact nuclear family
3. Beware of families struggling with develop- mental tasks before they have adopted the pre- requisite attitudes for remarriage: for example, a parent pushing a child and stepparent to be close without accepting that their relationship will take time to develop.
4. Help the family gain patience to tolerate the ambiguity and not "over-try" to make things work out. This includes accepting that family ties do not develop overnight. Encourage step- parents to understand that a child's negative reactions are not to be taken personally and help them tolerate guilt, conflicted feelings, ambivalence, divided loyalties, and so on.
5. Include the new spouse in sessions in which you coach the client to resolve his or her relationship with an ex-spouse, at least in the beginning or you will increase the new spouse's paranoia about the old spouse-and take the frequent characterization of an ex- spouse as "crazy" with a grain of salt. The list of the ex-spouse's outrageous behaviors may reflect the client's provocations or retaliations.
6. When the remarriage ends a close single- parent/child relationship, the feelings of loss of that special closeness, especially for the child, have to be dealt with and will take time.
7. If the child is presented as the problem, try to involve all parents and stepparents as early as possible in therapy. If joint sessions are held, discussion should be directed toward coop- erative work to resolve the child's difficulties, never torward marital issues. Children should never have the power to decide on remarriage, custody, or visitation. It is, of course, impor- tant to inquire from children their experiences, wishes, and preferences. But the responsibility for the ultimate decisions should always rest with the adults.
