Different issues arise when stepfamilies are formed after the premature death of a parent than after a divorce. Gender differences are a key factor. A new stepfather may be perceived as rescuing the family from poverty after the death of the primary wage earner, whereas children tend to view their mother as completely irreplaceable and resent any efforts of another woman to function in her role. However, young children will eventually accept a stepparent, including a stepmother, if the remaining parent can help the children to grieve for their loss before confronting them with a stepmother. When the father does remarry, he needs to help the children to accept the new person in her own right rather than collude with the children in wanting the family to continue in the same way it did when their mother was alive. On the other hand, if insufficient attention is paid to the children's grief work, they may never accept a stepmother. (For a videotape with com- mentary on a family dealing with these issues, see McGoldrick, 1996.)
Although the fact that the ex-spouse is not around to "interfere" may be an advantage, ghosts can be even more powerful, especially given peo- ple's tendency to idealize a parent who is lost prema- turely. It may be harder to recognize and deal with a triangle with a dead parent. Talking, remembering. and acknowledging the dead person's human failings and foibles help to exorcise the ghost, but none of this can be done without the active leadership of the surviving parent. Late adolescents or older children. generally resist attempts to "replace" their dead parent, and the wise stepparent will honor that position.
Violence and abuse appear to be much more common in stepfamilies than in first families (Brody, 1998), probably because of the system's structural complexity and the fact that they have not had time to develop relationship bonds, and many do not withstand the early stages of family reor- ganization. But the instability of remarried families should not be overstated. Remarried partners do not wait as long as partners in first families to leave an unhappy situation, and those who manage the early years have no greater likelihood of divorcing than in first marriages.
The stress of money
Money is a major area of conflict in remarried fami- lies. Remarriage often leads to reopening of financial battles from the divorce and to children receiving less support from their biological fathers. Traditional gender roles run completely counter to contemporary economics and to the fact that both parents usually enter remarriage with significant financial obliga- tions to the first family. Failure to pay or collect ali- mony or child support wreaks havoc in post-divorce families. A husband who is the sole wage earner in a remarried family often has to decide which set of children has top priority-his own or the stepchil- dren he lives with. These priorities are also influ- enced by his relationship with his ex-wife; if it is bad, his visits and child support payments tend to lag or even cease. A new wife may complain about the money her husband gives to his children, particularly if she does not receive the child support owed for her own children. Overall children in first families tend to receive more from their parents than chil- dren whose parents remarry. In affluent families, problems also surface around wills and how much financial assistance should be given to which adult children. Where money is concerned, blood may suddenly seem thicker than relationship.
Gays and lesbians in stepfamilies
A significant number of post-divorce families consist of a gay or lesbian couple with the children of one or both of them from a previous heterosexual marriage. These systems have all of the problems of hetero- sexual remarried systems in addition to the burdens of secrecy and isolation caused by the social stigma they have most likely experienced (Laird & Green, 1996). In extreme cases, the adults may feel that they have to try to remain closeted, even to their children, for fear of repercussions in custody or employment. There is almost always anxiety about the conse- quences of coming out to family (La Sala, 2010), the children's teachers and friends, co-workers, neigh- bors, and acquaintances. Therapists can be most helpful if, in addition to the usual therapy for remar- ried systems, they acknowledge the societal stigma that LGBT families experience and help the couple sift through their various networks to dismantle the secrecy and isolation wherever possible. Connection to supportive friends, community groups, and access to supportive literature can be extremely important.
The most complex remarried families, where both spouses bring children from previous relation- ships, tend to have the greatest difficulty establish- ing stability. All things being equal, it appears easiest if the previous spouse died, next easiest when the spouse is divorced, and hardest when the spouse has never been married, perhaps because some experi- ence with marriage appears helpful in a second mar- riage. Integration is more likely when children are not left behind by either parent, or when the new couple have a child together (although having a child to save the marriage is, of course, never a good idea). The longer the new family has together as a unit, the more likely they are to have a sense of family inte- gration. Developing a sense of belonging takes most family members 3 to 5 years, longer if there are ado- lescents. Remarried family integration appears more likely when extended family approves of or accepts the remarriage, next best when they disapprove or are negative, perhaps providing a "good enemy," and hardest when they are cutoff or indifferent.
Emotional issues: Anger, grief, pseudo-mutuality, loyalty conflicts, conflict and cutoff
Predictable feelings that come up in the process of remarriage are likely to include intense conflict, guilt, ambivalence, and anger about the previous spouse and children, denial of such feelings, and the wish to resolve the ambiguity. Remarried families are formed against a background of loss, hurt, and a sense of failure. Their "battle fatigue" often leads to a desire not to "rock the boat" this time, which leads partners to suppress doubt, conflict, and differ- ences that need to be dealt with, resulting in "pseudo- mutuality" that pretends total mutuality, covering over disagreements, and making current relation- ships all the more fragile in the long run.
Cutoffs are more common with the paternal extended family, and connections are more often strong with maternal relatives, but extended family relationships are often difficult. While children are quite prepared to have multiple sets of grandparents, uncles, and aunts, the middle generation can get caught up in conflicts, and managing relationships with such a large network of kin is complicated. Remarriage of either spouse tends to decrease contact between fathers and their non-custodial children. Divorced fathers tend to have more contact with their children if they have not remarried and even more if the mother has not remarried either. Once both parents have remar- ried, children are much less likely to have weekly con- tact with their non-custodial fathers. Remarriage of a former spouse tends to reactivate feelings of depres- sion, helplessness, anger, and anxiety, particularly for women. Men tend to be less upset by the remarriage of an ex-wife, possibly because it may release them from financial responsibility and because they are usually less central to the emotional system.
