The World That I Long For

Under a clear sky, I walked down the road alone on my red velvet aka red motorcycle. I pulled over briefly on the side of the road to install airpods, I realized, listening to songs while driving was also a way to calm myself. Coffeeshop became my destination this time, which was quite far from my house. At exactly three in the afternoon, I arrived at the coffee shop and started writing this story.

Many say that fathers are the first love for their daughters. So what if the father becomes the first wound for the daughter? Would it be appropriate to be called first love?

My name is Shanaya Kashvi Addison, people call me Shana but I like to be called Hana. I am an English literature student and still in my third semester. I am one of the many children who got hurt from the first love that people call it. For me, my father is the greatest giver of wounds in my life. While other girls give and show affection with their fathers, I only dream of feeling that way. My father is my world and I'm losing it. I'm losing my world. Wicked questions kept running through my brain like how could the universe separate the two of us? How can the universe be this kind to me? Does the universe think I can get through this? Is this how the universe works to make me a strong child? The truth is I am not capable god. I miss my world, very, very much. Will it miss me too? Ah never mind... Let this question wander in my head until it finds its own answer. Time goes by and I consciously live my life with no idea where it's going.

It's not even eight o'clock on a Sunday morning, but the fragrant aroma of butter melted by my mother has already filled the kitchen. Some pancakes are already stacked neatly on a white plate. Some of the rest are still in the form of dough ready to be molded. The strains of Lany's Alonica played melodiously, becoming an accompaniment that blended with my soft humming. Finished, one plate that was originally empty is now filled with more than ten pumpkin pancakes that mom made earlier.

While waiting for the glass to be filled with water from the dispenser, I poured honey onto the plate, making the fragrance become more intense and tickling my stomach. After cleaning up all the kitchen utensils that mom had used earlier, I hurried back to my room leaving mom still dealing with her pancake batter. No one had come out of her room except me and mom who had been busy fighting in her kitchen since early in the morning. Sunday mornings are perfect for lazing around before starting another busy day the next day. So after closing the door, I turned on my laptop and opened one of my favorite Korean drama series, Our Beloved Summer. I don't know how many times I've re-watched this series. It's a common love story that takes us back to the good times of first love as teenagers. With interesting visualizations, each player has a strong character, and the storyline is slow but not boring, this drama is suitable for light viewing during leisure time. I never get bored watching it because of the lead actor Choi Wooshik who is my idol actor.

Finished watching the series, I turned off the laptop and put it back on the study table and rushed to take a shower because I forgot I had a meeting with my friend today. Finished with the shower and clothes, I didn't forget to also give a touch of makeup to my face so that this pillow face was covered. After I finished preparing, I packed the items that I would bring such as power banks, wallets, airpods, and several other printouts that I needed. Finished packing, I went downstairs and immediately said goodbye to Mom because my friend was waiting downstairs.

"Don't take too long to come home, remember tomorrow is Monday," mom said to me because her son likes to forget the time.

"Yes mom, I'll go first, assalamualaikum" while kissing mom's hand then walking out of the house.

The plan today was not to do much, just have a beautiful coffee at the caf. Don't wonder why I like to go to cafes, because in my opinion cafes are just comfortable places to visit either for me time, homework, have fun with friends or girlfriends, or other things that are possible to do in public places such as cafes. Besides liking coffee, I also like to come to cafes with cute and unique interiors, it's just funny to look at. Suddenly I arrived at my destination, I took off my helmet and put it on the rear view mirror of my friend's motorcycle then rushed to order and meet my other friends. My friends and I shared stories with each other until we forgot that the clock was already 21:30, which indicated that we had to leave the place and go home. Since tomorrow is already Monday and we have to go back to the reality of our respective lives.

The day for laziness has passed, let's welcome the busy days. Welcome Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday just like Jungkook's song I muttered, because considering one of the BTS members who is a famous boy band in Korea and around the world has just released his solo album entitled 'Seven' . I started my Monday with great enthusiasm. Waking up I prayed then cleaned the house then ate then showered and was ready to go to campus. Outfit is ready, it's time to pack the items that I will bring. Since my lecture schedule this time is quite busy because there are 4 classes that will enter, then the laptop, binder, novel and other print material that I need, I put into the cream-colored tote bag. Can you be this dense? Can't Monday just be cancelled? Not to mention the traffic jam, oh god... my first complaint was on this Monday while packing things. After finishing getting ready, I said goodbye to my mother and took the lunch that my mother had prepared. Every Monday, I leave early to avoid the traffic jam that I will definitely get.

It was already 07:30 and I had just arrived on campus. Because my lecturer is very strict with discipline and does not tolerate anyone who is late for class. So I quickly opened my helmet and ran up to the class. Fortunately, I'm not late, so I'm grateful that God is still helping me. Shortly after class, my lecturer arrived and the lecture began. As time passed, the first, second, third, and last classes were finished. The sky had already turned orange color caused by the spread of sunlight when light interacts with the earth's atmosphere. This indicated that it was getting dark, I had to go home immediately because my mother was looking for me.

I arrived home, and was immediately greeted with the fragrance of mom's homemade meatballs. Without lingering for a long time because my stomach was rumbling, I immediately ate the meatballs that my mother had provided. Without realizing it, 2 bowls of meatballs were finished because meatballs are one of my favorite foods. After I finished eating, I helped my mother clean up the dining table and didn't forget to wash the dishes that had been used earlier. I'm going up, mom After the stomach and kitchen affairs were finished, I went straight up to my room to take a shower and pray.

Night fell, I had intended to do my assignment but suddenly I missed my father in my life. My world that has been long gone. I chose not to do anything except lie down looking at the roof of my plain room. I don't know what I'm thinking right now, but I swear to God I missed him. I've spent thousands of days without him that I've forgotten what it's like to have a father. I'm just missing my dad, but I didn't expect him to come back I muttered, holding back tears for fear of being caught by my mother. Before sadness overcame me, I quickly got out of bed and took a brush and watercolors in my closet. Besides reading books, painting is also my third world. The first world I live in, the second world when reading books where I can feel the gray feelings inside me, and the third world of painting, where I can express emotions. Through painting, I can pour whatever I feel into each color that I scribble on the canvas. To me, color is one of the most sincere expressions a person can have. Just like humans, each color also has different characteristics from one another.

The color red, for example. In color psychology, red generally describes love, passion, strength, and anger. This color can evoke strong emotions. Red is one of the colors that attract a person's attention strongly. On the other hand, there is the color white which symbolizes purity, peace, emptiness, and innocence. This color can also depict new beginnings. However, it can also portray a cold and bland feeling.

When painting something that involves emotions, the painter doesn't realize that he or she is choosing colors that correspond to his or her state at the time. Like me, for example. When I am sad, I will tend to paint with dark and pale colors. On the other hand, when I'm happy, the painting is transformed into a flower garden with many bright colors that attract the eye. So it is natural that there are many people out there who think that painters are two people who are very easy to read and very difficult to read by others. They express something through colors, in colors there are strands of stories that perhaps they cannot share with anyone except themselves.

Then to me, it seems like humans are similar to a color. Each person must have a characteristic that only exists in him, not others. So as humans, our task is one, how do we accept all the colors that exist in us without hurting anyone, including ourselves. Because we will always be unique, because in this world, there is only one like us. The night passed by just like that, I put the brush on my painting palette and stepped back to bed. The chaotic feeling that had arisen since last night was gone.

RESVILLE. My brother's only caf was relatively busy at the moment. The tables were already full, leaving one table near the bookshelf that seemed to have been abandoned not long ago because there were still two empty coffee cups on it. The bell hanging on the door tinkled as soon as I entered, making Aaron, my older brother who was sitting behind the cashier's desk smile and wave. I walked into the booth, greeted my brother, and picked up the yellow apron neatly folded in one of the drawers.

"Did you have breakfast?" Aaron asked me after he finished serving a visitor who had just left.

"I made fried rice earlier. I ate it with Mom too."

Aaron nodded. "It's okay, anyway after this, it's okay if you stay at the cafe, I have other work to do."

I gave a thumbs up. "It's safe, captain! There's Brother Aidan too, right?"

"Yes, Aidan is here, he was swearing outside."

"Okay, you can leave now. I'll paint while I'm here, so I don't think I'll get bored."

"Alright, you go first then." Aaron walked out of the caf, and I continued my work here.

Time flew by without me realizing it. At 10 p.m. at Resville, the tables that had been full were emptying, some people were packing up their things to go home because Resville was about to close and Aidan and I were going to do the closing.

It was exactly nine o'clock in the morning when I arrived on campus, and as usual I went through my lecture world casually even though my assignments were overwhelming. I walked to my class on the second floor. Arriving in class, it turned out that my lecturer had arrived first. The lecture began, all students were busy taking notes on the material presented by the lecturer, including me. Before I knew it, it was twelve o'clock and the class was over. Incidentally, today my class is only one subject, so I can join the association meeting first. Today's meeting discusses the stage that will be organized by the department association. This meeting will take quite a long time because there are many discussions that we discuss, one of which is the division of divisions and determining the person in charge of each division. I became the person in charge of the event division, and got the task of contacting one of my seniors who is also a senior from my department association, to discuss the theme of the stage that will be made. After hours of sitting in the set secretariat room, the meeting was finally over and I packed my stuff quickly because I couldn't wait to meet my mattress at home.

Night has come, after finishing cleaning the body and filling the stomach that has been rumbling since this afternoon, I went up to the room and took the cellphone then lay down on the mattress. I opened WhatsApp and started looking for the contacts that my seniors had given me at the meeting. Ataya is the name I was looking for in my whatsapp contact. Without lingering long I started sending messages to the man. Actually, I often see that person on campus and at the secretariat of the association but never communicate with him. After finishing sending the message, I left my cell phone for a moment and went downstairs because Mom was calling. I hurried up to the room when my cell phone vibrated, displaying a message from Kak Ataya on my cell phone screen. It's too late, tomorrow we'll discuss it on campus after you finish your lecture, I have an exercise so I can't discuss this now.

Instantly my heart was beating faster than it should, my sweat started pouring down my shirt and my room's air conditioner seemed useless. I'm not the type of person who enjoys communicating with new people. It's not that I don't enjoy it, but it's very hard to do. It's hard to get rid of negative thoughts about people's judgment of me when I start communicating with new people. Ah god, why don't you just chat? I muttered with a sigh and then I was forced to agree to Ataya's words earlier. Yes, I'll let you know tomorrow when I finish my lecture.

At three o'clock in the afternoon all my classes were over, I took out my cell phone and gave the news to the strange man I was going to meet. While waiting for his reply, I packed up my stuff that was lying on the table. I don't know why the items in my bag all came out. My cell phone vibrates and then Ataya's name appears on my cell phone screen. Come downstairs, I'm in the corridor. I took a deep breath, took in as much air as possible to fill my lungs, then exhaled slowly, as if with the exhale evaporated all the burdens and negative thoughts in my head. It's the time, take it slow Hana, take it slow. I repeated the phrase silently as if chanting a mantra.

After grabbing my cream-colored tote bag, I then walked out of the classroom. The distance from my class which is exactly on the second floor to the corridor is not far, I only went down to the first floor then arrived at the corridor. The sky this afternoon looked very clear, full of blue clouds without a single white cloud floating there.

I took a breath, counted it to four, then exhaled slowly. I try to neutralize my own heartbeat, it beats like I'm running a race, even though I'm just walking slowly. It's strange, I don't even understand why since yesterday my heart has been beating at a faster pace every time Ataya's name is mentioned. It's strange because I don't even know the man, except for his name and his habit of playing musical instruments.

In the corridor, my eyes roamed, searching for the person who had been waiting for me. Ataya was already there, sitting in the gazebo across the corridor, wearing a gray t-shirt and black pants. I neutralized my heartbeat. Oh my god, what's wrong with my heart? Ataya was just sitting there playing her guitar. I took a breath once more, then walked closer to the man.

"Ataya?" I said, breaking the focus between the man and his guitar.

"Uh yeah, you've arrived. I'm really sorry to take your time now" The man got up and put away the guitar he was holding beside him, not forgetting to invite me to sit beside him too.

"So, do you have an idea for a theme?"

"Not yet. Do you have any ideas?" while taking the drink I brought from

home earlier.

"Eh, why are you bothering so much. Thanks."

I nodded with a faint smile, and she continued her sentence.

"I actually have an idea. You can do a Tribute to The Beatles. I guarantee it will

be accepted by your committee chairman. Because no one here has ever used music as a theme for a performance."

"Can you explain in more detail about that?" I asked, still unable to digest what he was saying.

"So, there was a band in the 80s that was very famous for its Rock genre and its song 'I want to hold your hand', you know that right? Their name is The Beatles, and their fans are spread all over the world . Because the enthusiasm of music lovers for The Beatles has never decreased, including in our country. Many music observers say that this legendary music career has been planned so that it can still survive even though they have died. Their music is a bridge between generations . For the 80s generation, they may be idols because they lived in the era of the Beatles. But, our generation knows them as legends and many of them cover their songs."

"Once in a while, our association puts on a performance with a rock theme, so it's not monotonous about art, the environment, or history. It's already very stale. My suggestion is that because no one has ever raised that theme, you also indirectly reintroduce international legendary musicians to people who don't know about The Beatles."

I was amazed at the man's thinking. The man who I usually saw as a campus punk turned out to be so in love with music, to the point that he already knew that bands were far from the era he grew up in. And I consciously uttered a sentence of praise to that man.

"You're cool" I said.

"No time" He replied with a chuckle.

"No, you're really cool. I've never met anyone who thinks about music to this extent. Yes, although maybe for other people this is a normal thing, but for me it's an amazing thing."

Ataya smiled and said, "I've never gotten a compliment like this. So, thanks Shana."

"Hahaha anytime, I also enjoy complimenting people."

"Uh, back to our earlier discussion. So, can I take your advice?" I asked.

"Yes, it's okay, after all, I've wanted to share this idea with people for a long time, but I haven't found the right one. If your theme is accepted, I'll help you think of all the concepts . Take it easy."

Again, I was amazed by the man beside me, "I feel really helped by this. So, thank you too, sis."

"If so, I'll go first. It's already late afternoon. I'll let you know when I accept." I continued while carrying my totebag.

"Oh okay, I'm sorry I made you come back so late" she said with a faint smile that made my heart tremble.

"No problem. I'll go back first. See you sis" then I hurriedly left Sis Ataya. "Drive safe Shana, see you." While shouting out that sentence.

On the way, I couldn't stop thinking about that man. For some reason I felt comfortable listening to him speak his mind, which I thought was unique, even though it was only for a short while, but I was really happy. As I said before, I'm not at all comfortable communicating with new people I meet. But, Ataya was different. There was a different vibe when I talked to her. I'm also confused as to why my heart flutters when I look into her eyes. I don't know, maybe it's just admiration. But if I'm asking what are your hopes for now? Not much but, I want, this is not the last time I listened to that man talking about what he thought in front of me but I hope that this incident was the beginning of our story.

On the same day, when I wanted to inform Ataya via WhatsApp that her unique idea had been accepted, Ataya contacted me first and asked the same thing I wanted to tell her. Hello Shana, sorry to disturb your time. But I just want to ask about the continuation of the theme. How about it, have you been accepted yet? I was surprised and of course excited that Ataya had started our conversation today. To be honest, since the first day we talked on campus, there has been no communication between Ataya and me since then. My heart was again beating at an uncharacteristic pace when I wanted to answer the man's message. Uh hello, I just wanted to tell you that the theme proposal you gave was well received by the kids and tomorrow I already have to collect the concept. I answered with a hand that had honestly been shaking since Ataya's message notification appeared on my cell phone layer. Oh, thank goodness. Let's go out for a walk while I help you think about the concept so you don't have to worry about it alone. Do you want to go? If you want I'll pick you up now. My heart feels like it's about to stop beating. What are you doing? I muttered to myself because I was actually confused about what to reply to the man's message. On the one hand, I really need Ataya to help me think about the concept because the one who has this idea is my man. But on the other hand, I was nervous. I don't know if it's because I have a vision of my life's mission that won't work with seniors or if I'm nervous because I like Ataya?

Ten minutes had passed and I still hadn't replied to his message, until finally he sent me another message. Uh how come you disappeared anyway? If you doubt, it's okay. I understand what you're thinking right now. But you have to know, I'm different from the definition of seniors that you think. Again I was surprised by that person. Do you really know what I think? Actually, I have a vision of life that will not work with seniors on campus. But never mind, I also have a good feeling for you. And I also need your brain to help me think about the concept because this is your idea. You must have thought of it all hehehe. I chuckled in response to the man's message. But I accepted Ataya's invitation because it was honestly different from the other seniors. I'll get ready first. I continued. When you're done, let me know. No need to rush, I'll wait. Ataya replied to my message which would make my heart beat fast like after a running race.

An hour and a half later, I replied to the last message from Ataya indicating that I was done and ready to be picked up. Ataya, I'm done,  are you done too? ? I asked to make sure he was done packing too. Ataya replied to me quickly. Oh sure. Just on the way. Please shareloc. I quickly replied to the man's message because I didn't want to keep him waiting. Malioboro Street no. 19. Then Ataya replied to me to signal that she would arrive quickly. I'm on the way. I'll probably be there in about 15 minutes because it's close to my house. See you Shana. I reply with my heart starting to beat fast again. Be careful bro. I'm actually nervous.

And sure enough as the man said that he would arrive right in front of my house in just 15 minutes. I immediately went out to meet him and because Mom wasn't home so I just asked permission over the phone. I greeted the man with a smile and immediately got on his motorcycle. We walked down the street while enjoying the afternoon breeze. I opened the conversation and asked Ataya about the fate of my theme concept. Along the way, Ataya didn't stop talking, and the man kept expressing his opinions. One of his opinions was about the concept of the stage. He said, the stage would be more interesting to see if there were retro and vintage elements. Because many millennials like us like anything that smells vintage. As we traveled around the city of Jogja, Ataya kept talking, while I stayed silent and marveled at her. The man continued to speak his mind to me, even when we both arrived at a restaurant where Ataya was still babbling. It was amazing how that man was.

That day, maybe I can call it one of the days where I was grateful to be able to meet God's creation that I thought was different from what I had met before. Ataya is different. Why? Because I felt like I had my own world again. I feel like I'm back home, where I can express myself. I felt safe and comfortable when I was around her. Ataya I fell in love with you. To everything inside you. I'm grateful to be able to like a man like you.

After our meeting, there was no more communication between the two of us. Because we were busy with our own business. I was busy taking care of the stage and Ataya was busy taking care of her own business. Actually, Ataya and I often met on campus but there was no interaction other than greeting each other. Day after day we went through our respective lives. Until the day came when the performance I was making started. And that's when Ataya contacted me again, giving a simple sentence of encouragement. Hello Shana. Cheer up for today and the next 3 days. I'm sure you're strong and capable. Don't forget to take your vitamins. And if you need help, just contact me. I'm ready to be bothered by you. It's simple for others but for some reason my eyes watered when I read the message from him. I honestly missed the little treatment Ataya gave me, but I had no right to oppose it to her. Hello Ataya. Thanks for the support. How are you doing? Are you safe? Uh by the way, did you come to the opening ceremony today? You should have come, right, what was shown was partly your idea. I replied with tears in my eyes and hoped for a miracle that Ataya and I could meet today and talk more. I'm doing well, I hope you do too. And it's clear that I'm coming, I can't see the results of your hard work for the past 3 months that made us not communicate because you were busy taking care of this and that. Again, Ataya was able to make me feel like a unicorn flying above the clouds. Hahaha. Well, see you then, I want to continue getting ready. To be honest, I wanted to continue the conversation, but since this was the first day of the performance and the opening ceremony would soon begin, I had to break off our conversation. And sure enough, during the performance Ataya continued to help me.

Unfortunately, right on the second day of the performance when I wanted to contact one of my division friends, Papa Addison name suddenly appeared on my cell phone screen. Yup, the person who called me was my father. The man I missed all this time and also the man I never expected to come suddenly contacted me. What did that man want? Why is it only now appearing? Does he still remember that he has a daughter? I asked myself that question before picking up the phone.

It was hard for me to start a conversation with my father again after almost 15 years of no communication with him. I don't know why I'm not so happy with my father's appearance. Fear and worry overcame me when I wanted to answer the phone from that man, it felt like a big disaster was going to happen to my life.

"Hello assalamualaikum ,  Dad" I mumbled in a trembling voice.

Without answering the greeting, my father suddenly spoke in a high and stern tone. "Can you not disturb my family? Don't terrorize my wife. I'm already happy with my life now."

Sure enough I was about to meet with a disaster, but this turned out to be the disaster. I answered my father's evil words in a tone that was certainly high and firm as well. My tough attitude was inherited from my father.

" I've never bothered your family, I've never called your wife. Just so you know how disappointed I am with you, I never had any intention of ruining your family's happiness now even though my happiness was taken away by your wife.

"Watch what you say."

"Well, is he the one who ruined our family? Did you forget what you did to mom in the past? I'm the one who witnessed all the struggles you went through to find traces of your father's infidelity. I'm the one who witnessed how hurt you were when you had problems with your father in the past. In case you forgot, I left you in debt and you had to pay all of your debts. So, who ruined people's happiness here? Me or your wife?

"If you come just to make false accusations, it's better not to show up again. I also never expected you to come into my life again. And if you want to accuse, attach the evidence too, don't just accuse," I continued with uncontrolled anger.

"I'm not just talking. I have proof, the profile picture of the account that neror my wife is exactly the same as your profile picture right now." It seemed like Dad was getting angry hearing what I said.

"Today's technology is very sophisticated. He could have stolen my photo. What's clear is that I've never called my father's wife. I'm busy, I have events to take care of so I don't have time to deal with unclear things like this."

"One more thing, don't contact me. Just pretend that you never had a daughter. Mom, Aaron, and I have successfully healed from the wound you made 15 years ago. So please don't disturb the peace of my family." Quickly, I hung up the phone and of course my defenses just crumbled. It felt like it was more painful than 15 years ago. How could a father say such hurtful things to his daughter. Did he forget that he had taken away the happiness of someone who had been a part of his life?

I quickly wiped away the tears that had soaked my eyes and cheeks. I know it hurts but this is not the time to think about such things. I immediately continued what was my responsibility now until it was finished.

In the late afternoon, I woke up from my deep sleep that I'd gotten from fighting my way through the performance. I called Ataya because I hadn't replied to several of his messages. Ataya, sorry I just got around to replying to your chat. I just wanted to say thank you for helping me so much during the performance yesterday. In return, do you want to try my favorite satay? For some reason I suddenly wanted to invite him to taste goat satay covered with peanut sauce and also my favorite dabu-dabu sauce since childhood. Not long after, Ataya replied to my message. It's okay. I also know how busy you were yesterday, so just relax. Uh, is the invitation to eat satay still valid? If so, I'll immediately pick you up so we can take a walk first. Surely your brain needs refreshing too. How about it, do you want it? I smiled as I read the message sent by the man. Ataya always knows what I need. Even the smallest thing, Ataya always pays attention to it. After reading the message, I quickly rushed to pack so I could meet him as soon as possible.

During the trip Ataya kept quiet and didn't tell me where she was taking me. I was honestly scared that she would take me to a strange place. But the man's silence drew me to the natural beauty of our destination. I had never visited that place even though it was so close to the city. I was presented with a view of a river whose water was very clean and flowed very calmly. The flowers there looked beautiful growing on the green grass so it was very comfortable to spoil the eyes. The trees also grew very well but. Maybe people who visit this place will immediately fall in love with the beauty of this place, including me. Somehow I feel that this place will become my favorite place when I'm not feeling well. Again I must say, Ataya always knows what I need. I am truly mesmerized by this place. I asked Ataya about how men could find such a quiet place.

"How did you find such a cozy place?"

"I'm an explorer with my friends," he replied.

"This is actually the first time I've invited someone other than my friends to this place. If I want to vent all the thoughts that are weighing on my brain, I will definitely come here." Ataya continued.

I asked in surprise, "Why did you bring me here?"

"Hahaha... why would you if I invited you?"

I was taken aback by the question, but after seeing my suddenly strange demeanor, Ataya immediately opened her voice to answer the question I threw at her.

"Because everything is better with you, Shan. Everything has been better since you. I don't know why, but when I'm around you, I feel like I'm back home, Shan. It's like I can pour out everything that's on my mind without having to think if the other person will accept or reject what I'm thinking. And if you ask, why did I bring you here? Yes, because I want to introduce a beautiful place to a beautiful person like the one beside me right now.

My heart felt like it was running a race to hear it, making the silence a response to the words I had just heard. My cheeks flushed, it never crossed my mind that Ataya would say that. Never did he know that to me, he was the same. Everything is better with him. Everything is better when I'm around him. Because when Ataya is here, it feels like everything will go well even on the worst days. Because when Ataya is here, it feels like I have someone who will always listen to me talk about everything that fills my little head.

"Why are you silent? Did I say something wrong?" Ataya's voice pulled me back from my thoughts.

"No, it's safe. Let's go, you said you wanted to eat satay." I diverted the conversation between the two of us at that time.

When we were about to leave the place, my cell phone suddenly rang. I quickly grabbed the phone in my bag and opened it. The name appeared again on my phone screen. Papa Addison. Why did that man reappear? Wasn't he satisfied with making me suffer during his absence? I really thought that was the last conversation we ever had but it wasn't. What else did you want to say? Wasn't he satisfied that he had made my day a bit of a mess back then? This disaster was still continuing. My cell phone kept ringing and Ataya confusedly asked me why I didn't pick up my dad's call.

"Shana, why don't you pick up your dad's call?"

"I can't do it, Ataya"

Ataya was even more confused when she heard my words. "Huh? How? What's wrong?

I tried to neutralize my thoughts and regain control of my traumatized self. I fell silent and started to open my voice 5 minutes later and answered Ataya's question which left the man confused.

"Can I tell you my stories?"

"Of course you can. Just tell me your story, Shan. My ears are ready to listen to all your stories."

I chuckled and was a little moved by the words that the man had just said. I invited him to sit down before starting the story.

"Actually, my relationship with my father has not been good for a long time. My mom and dad separated probably about 15 years ago because my dad had an affair with his secretary. My brother and I followed Mom and Dad away leaving the three of us in this city. Since my father left, there has been no communication between me and my father, none at all. Like humans who have no blood relationship with each other. I grew up without a father figure beside me and it's not uncommon for me to envy people who can be close to their father because I feel that at my current age the role of my father is very important for the flow of my life. And the older I get, I always feel that the life I live has no direction. You know why? Because the captain who brought my family's ship, apparently secretly left the ship and chose to become a captain on another ship. Losing the mecca to choose a partner is really painful and confusing, Ataya."

"And right on the second day of the Event, my father called and accused me all the time. He said I was the one who terrorized his wife, I was the one who disturbed his family's happiness. Why should I take care of other people's happiness when I haven't even taken care of my own. I don't understand why him can say such painful things. I always felt that I deserved to lose and be hurt by people, because my father was willing to leave and hurt his own daughter."

Ataya interrupted my last sentence. "No, you can't say that. Those who left you and hurt you are ungrateful and stupid, Shan."

I asked in surprise. "Why is that? I deserve to be teased by everyone."

"A child whose family is not intact is a strong child. Maybe you've heard that a lot, but I'm sure you're really strong. You were hit by a tough destiny, because you were chosen by God to be a stronger person than the people around you. Other people never know how deep the wounds you bear, even though you shed so much sorrow in your room alone. You want to go home to the lap of your loved ones by pouring all your complaints, but unfortunately you have to heal your wounds alone, you can only hug yourself without anyone's help. People around you only know that you are happy with the life you have, even though you always silence your cries when the night is quiet, you are too afraid to be seen as weak. In fact, you are not a weak child, just unlucky in circumstances."

It felt like my heart was being hugged by Ataya's words. Tears were already rolling down my cheeks. I felt like I was in the world I had longed for, where I could vent all my thoughts about this complicated life. Ataya reassured me that I will always be able to face any form of test because the universe is shaping me to be a strong woman. Maybe you Dad will say the same thing that Ataya said when I told him about the evil world I live in now.

Ataya opened his voice again, the man telling about how his world had changed so much after his mother's passing.

"Shan, in the last few months my mom left me and went to the most beautiful place that we can't find in the world. At that time it felt like my world just collapsed and stopped. I didn't know how to live, my days were getting messy and almost every day I was drunk because that's what could help me forget the problems I was having. I always cry silently, Shan. Because I don't have a place to talk, I don't have a place to lean on anymore, I've lost the hug that has made me strong. I'm just like you, always looking fine when inside it's falling apart. Shan, people whose fate is like ours are God's chosen ones. God chose us because God knows that we are strong enough to live this unfair life. Because God separated us from our loved ones. But you know what? God did that because God wanted to bring us together with someone who can fill all the blanks in our lives. And surely we will find something we miss from the person we love in the person God has prepared"

I really fell in love with Ataya's way of thinking. That man always makes me feel that the world will be alright despite the many bad things that come my way. How lucky the person who has Ataya will be.

It wasn't long before my cell phone rang again. Papa Addison name appeared on my cell phone screen. I don't know what that man had to say again, but I was sick of hearing it.

Ataya, who heard my phone ringing, immediately told me to pick up. "Shan, pick up. You can definitely face this problem. You've faced a lot of big problems before but you managed to get through them, right? It's not easy but I'm sure you can do it."

With a feeling that honestly wasn't strong enough to hear another painful thing, but Ataya was right. All problems will be solved even if the process is different.

"Yes, hello, why? Want to accuse again?

"Shana, I want you to be honest once again. I want you to confess the evil deeds you have done. If you don't, I won't consider you as my daughter anymore."

The anger that I've been harboring is about to explode today.

"Why would I admit to a mistake I never made? Why would I ruin someone else's life when mine is already ruined? And the one who ruined it is the one who's accusing me now. Don't you think about how Shana will feel when she hears all your accusations? You don't think that everything you said broke my heart. And why would I be afraid of losing someone like you? A person who never gives responsibility to his children and has the heart to destroy his children's feelings with vague accusations. Do you think I'm scared? No, Dad! I've been living well with Mom and Brother Aaron, we've been fine. Even though the captain of our ship betrayed us, we tried and stayed strong to run the ship even though the waves were very big. And of course we managed to sail the terrible sea."

"Remember, you'll never find answers in me because I won't admit to mistakes I never made. So please, don't contact me after this. Even if you try to contact me, you won't be able to because I will close all access for you to come in and ruin my life and my family. Before you apologize, I've already forgiven you and I hope we can live in peace with our respective choices as strangers." After saying that, I hung up the phone quickly.

I didn't cry, but rather I felt satisfied with what I said. It may sound selfish, but it's really one of the ways to make our lives calm by avoiding people who have a negative impact on the flow of our lives even if they are the closest people to us.

Ataya grabbed my shoulders and turned my body toward her. "Shan, I don't know what you're feeling right now. But I hope you can be sincere and accept all the problems that happen to you. In this life we will be required to continue to learn.

Including learning to sincerely accept reality even though it is not in line with expectations. I'll help you get through this, okay?"

"You might ask why I'm not sad at all even though this is a painful thing for me. But if you say sad, yes there must be sadness, you say pain, yes it really hurts. But back again like you said, we have to learn to accept everything sincerely, right? Even though it's hard, we can't get lost in that sadness. I don't want to let people hurt me and ruin my life even though it's the people closest to me."

After finishing the last sentence I said, the man in front of me pulled my body into his embrace. My heart felt like it was running a race. Maybe Ataya had heard my rapid heartbeat. But I felt the warmth of a hug that I had never found anywhere else. Besides the calming words, Ataya's embrace also made me feel like I was living a life that would always be peaceful. How could I not fall in love with this man, when his embrace alone could calm me down? Ataya I hope, this embrace will continue to be mine.

Ataya said a sentence in her arms that made my heart harrow. "Shan, I've never seen a woman as strong and strong as you. At first I thought, you were a spoiled child, whose happiness and justice always came to your life. But my perspective was wrong. It turns out that there have been many waves that have crashed your life. And your blood has flowed everywhere but you are trying to clean it all so that others don't see it. You tried to heal the wounds without anyone's help. Shan, be mine please? Let me help you heal your unhealed wounds."

I let go of the hug when I heard Ataya's words. I fell silent and started asking questions in my mind. Why would this man want to ruin his life by getting into the life of a girl whose life was falling apart? Ataya opened up a voice that made me so surprised to hear it, it seemed like she was good at hearing the inner voice too. "I chose to enter your life because there is a different vibe when you are around me. You were the one who moved me back in time after my mom was gone. I feel like I'm seeing the same person but in a different form. When I hug you, it feels like it's my mom I'm hugging. My mom had the exact same background story as you and she found my father who helped to heal the wounds. Papa managed to heal and accompany my mom until she was called by God to come back. And I want to be like dad, helping you to survive this mortal life. I promise! So don't think weird and please let me take care of you, okay? I will always love you like I love my mom."

I nodded my head which meant that I was allowing him into my life. At the same time, my defenses came crashing down and soaked my cheeks rapidly. How could I not? All this time I had been trying to survive to heal with him and after a long journey I now found someone who was ready to help me face another big wave.

Thousands of days I spent with the man who kept me by his side. Ataya proved her words and managed to bring me into a new life that was so calm. In the end I realized, what we can learn in life is how to accept a situation without blaming reality. The long journey finally brought me to the day when I understood that life is more peaceful when we are able to understand an Ikhlas well. Although there may be many wounds and there must be tears that break first so that there is no more tightness that disturbs.

And among the many things I've discovered, there's one thing that I still don't fully understand, about someone who gives a hug not just for joy, but a sense of calm. Ever since I found Ataya, I've hated talking about separation and loss. Since loving Ataya, I've fallen in love with the way the universe makes room for love in secret ways. And since being with Ataya, I know I no longer fall for her way of thinking, but also her heart.

And when I'm hurting, all I need is a piece of heart that is sensitive without being asked, a pair of ears that are always ready to listen, a set of hands that are always ready to embrace when I fall. Because nobody's perfect, but my support system completes me.

Finally, for the man who is with me now. I leave my desire in these words. Because there is hope that wants a miracle. I hope God will make us jatukrama with harsa without lara. May this script and struggle get abimantrana from the owner of the universe.

- THE END -