Triangle involving remarried spouses and the parents of either
This triangle features the in-laws as part of the pre- senting problem, but it should be remembered that relationships with the grandparents' generation are as crucial in remarried families as they are in all other families, and their exploration should be a routine part of any evaluation. The presentation of the older generation as part of the current problem is most likely to occur if they have disapproved of the divorce and remarriage or have been actively involved in caring for their grandchildren before or during the remarriage.
Clinical Guidelines
We recommend the following general guidelines to help remarried families think of themselves as pio- neers, inventing new and workable structures:
•Give up the old model of family and accept the complexity of a new form
•Maintain flexible but workable boundaries to permit children to feel safe in shifting of household memberships
•Work for open lines of communication between all parents, grandparents, children, and grandchildren
It is surprising how often visitation decreases when either parent remarries. While the intention may be to have the child bond with the stepparent, the likelihood that strong and positive relationships will develop between children and their stepparents is diminished by a lack of relationship with the non- custodial parent. A parent's hope that the new spouse will step up and handle administrative arrangements with the ex-spouse, serious discipline issues and visi- tation arrangements are misguided at best.
The original parent should always remain in charge of the relationship with the ex-spouse and should always handle the disciplining of his or her own children. This should never be given over to the new spouse. But couples who feel worn out or frustrated with the previous partner make this mistake regularly.
When there are child-focused problems, we routinely contact an ex-spouse and invite him or her to meet alone or with the children to hear our opinion of the children's problems that have been brought to our attention by the remarried family. When we inform the family of our intention to do this, we are frequently warned that the ex-spouse in question does not care, will not respond, or is crazy. Neverthe- less, our phone calls frequently locate a concerned parent who is perfectly willing to come in, although warning us that our client is the one with problems. Ex-spouses can frequently be engaged in subsequent sessions alone or with the children.
Our general goal in working with remarried families is to establish an open system with workable boundaries and to revise traditional gender roles. This goal requires that the former spouses work through the emotional divorce, which we assume is not resolved if ex-spouses are not speaking or have continuous conflicts. The goal then is to create an open, working, co-parental relationship.
