•As each child graduates, marries, has children, separates, remaries, moves, or becomes ill
•As each spouse forms a new couple relation- ship, remarries, re-divorces, moves, becomes ill, or dies
These emotional pressure points are found in all divorcing families though, of course, not nec- essarily in this order and many take place over and over again. A general depiction of the process appears in Figure 22.1.
In general, it appears to take a minimum of 2 or 3 years for a family to adjust to this transition-if there are no cutoffs and if all the adults are work- ing at it full tilt. Families in which the emotional issues of divorce are not adequately resolved can remain stuck emotionally for years, or even for gen- erations, although several years after the divorce, if the developmental tasks of divorcing and set- tling into the post-divorce transformed family are satisfactorily accomplished, there are few, if any, observable or testable differences resulting from having been part of a divorced family (Arkowitz & Lillienfeld, 2013).
The emotions released during the divorce relate primarily to the work of retrieving oneself from the marriage. Each partner must retrieve the hopes, dreams, plans, and expectations that were invested in the spouse and in the marriage. This requires mourn- ing what is lost and dealing with hurt, anger, blame, guilt, shame, and loss in oneself, in the spouse, in the children, in the extended family, and in the friendship network.
Hetherington (1977) found that in 70 percent of divorcing couples, at least one spouse is having an affair, but only a small percent later marry, suggest- ing that another relationship may help you through but not beyond the divorce. Younger women tend to re-divorce more frequently than older women. About 47 percent of women who remarry before the age of age 25 divorce within the next 10 years (Bramlett & Mosher, 2001). Those who are older at first marriage are less likely to divorce or re-divorce, as are those with more education and economic resources. Men tend to remarry sooner and more often than women, and Whites sooner and more often than people of color. Although first wives are on the average 3 years younger than their husbands, second wives are on average 6 years younger than their husbands. The more income and education a woman has, the less likely she is to remarry. The reverse is true for men: The more income and education he has, the more likely he is to remarry, and the sooner.
In all multi-nuclear families, childrearing responsibilities must be distributed in ways that vali- date the bond between original parents and the chil- dren they have raised. Each spouse must take primary responsibility for raising and disciplining his or her own children. Ex-spouses are hopefully responsible adults who can learn to cooperate with each other for the sake of their children. New spouses hopefully begin as benign caretakers and build from there. Contraindications for post-divorce arrangements of joint or shared custody should obviously include the following:
•Mental illness in one or both parents
•A history of violence, child abuse, or neglect
•Alcohol or drug abuse
In those situations, the need for collaboration between parents, extended family, and community resources will even be more important to children's safety and well-being. But, assuming neither par- ent is abusive, mentally ill, or involved in sub- stance abuse, children generally do better if they have regular contact with both parents. The more regularly children visit their noncustodial parent, the better their adjustment is likely to be. The more effectively custodial parents can function and the less parental conflict children are exposed to, the better the children's adjustment will be. Cordial or courteous, low-intensity relationships with the ex-spouse and the ex-spouse's new marital partner work best. It helps if therapists think of all parental figures as potentially enriching the children's sup- port network.
