When remarried spouses come together at the same phase of the family life cycle, their greatest difficul- ties generally relate to whether they are at a child- bearing phase. Obviously, spouses with no children from previous marriages bring the least complexity to the new situation. Families with grown children and grandchildren on both sides have long and complex histories and will require careful thought to negoti- ate successfully. But neither of these circumstances provides nearly the degree of strain that families with young or adolescent children are likely to experience, where the roles of active parenting and stepparenting must be included in the new family. Unfortunately, the advantage of both partners having similar tasks, responsibilities, and experiences may easily drown in a competitive struggle that stems from the overload of tasks and concerns (six children are not as easy to raise or support as three), the intense emotional investment in good parenting ("My methods are bet- ter than your methods"), and the need to include both ex-spouses in the many arrangements regarding the children ("Why do you let your ex dictate our lives?").
Stepfamilies and young children
Children's struggles with the predictable issues may sur- face as school or behavior problems, withdrawal from family and peers, or acting-out behavior, all of which complicate or even obstruct the process of family reor- ganization. Indications are that preschool children, if given some time and help in mourning their previous loss, adjust most easily to a new stepfamily, while adjust- ment is most difficult for stepfamilies with teenagers. Latency age children seem to have the most difficulty resolving their feelings of divided loyalty and benefit from careful attention to their need for contact with both parents. Clearly, children of all ages suffer when there is intense conflict between their parents and benefit when they maintain civil, cooperative, co-parental relationships. If parents cannot be cooperative, tightly structur- ing the relationships is the next best alternative.
Stepfamilies with adolescents
Since the difficulties that most American families have with adolescents are legendary, it is not surprising that early adolescence seems the most difficult time for both boys and girls to adjust to their parents' remarriage. The additional complications of this phase in stepfamilies can push the stress level beyond manageable bonds. We have found the following issues common in stepfamilies at this phase.
1. Conflict between the remarried family's need to coalesce and the normal focus of adoles- cents on separation: Adolescents often resent the major shifts in their customary family pat- terns and resist learning new roles and relating to new family members when they are con- cerned with growing away from the family.
2. Stepparents get stuck if they attempt to disci- pline an adolescent stepchild.
3. Adolescents may attempt to resolve their divided loyalties by taking sides or actively playing one side against the other.
4. Sexual attraction may develop between step- siblings or stepparent and stepchild, along with adolescent difficulty in accepting the biological parent's sexuality.
The impact of remarriage in later life cycle phases
Although there is not the daily strain of having to live together with stepchildren and stepparents, remarriage at a post-childrearing phase of the life cycle requires significant readjustment of relationships throughout both family systems, which may now include in-laws and grandchildren. It is probable that grown children and grandchildren will accept a remarriage after a death of a parent more easily than after a late divorce. There is often great relief throughout the family if an older widowed parent finds a new partner and a new lease on life, whereas a later-life divorce usually arouses concern and dismay throughout the family, in part, perhaps, related to anxieties about who will care for the now single parents. But grown children may also surprise themselves and others with the intensity of their reactivity to an older parent's remarriage.
