who was open to the free choice i made to where i want to go for study ....
but also, the one who always waiting until midnight to open the door whenever he learned that i was still doing activity outside home, mostly because i was having choir and vocal practices in the local church since my sunday-school, teenagers and youth period of time ....
He was, indeed, a great blessing in the family, i would say ...
and i should have been thankful to God for such a great blessing i ever had in my life !
........................
Yet, the departure's moment has left a secret memory that seemed you never want to talk about it and never wanting me to know it ...
because probably in the very deep of your heart it was something that should not be proud of; though in the eyes of society { probably not society, i guess, but a nationalistic ideology},.. what you had done in three decades ago had gained a medal {something that had lost to be shown on your uniform for the funeral, somehow i thought that you were the one who made it lost for you knew exactly what it was for ? am i right, dad ? }, and you were given an honor that seems to be the pride of military force, but i've been wondering that you would never think in that way, wouldn't you, dad ?
You have probably anticipated that the truth would hurt me, so you decided to just keep silence and let the truth kept in its secret way .... what an agony you carried !
But, father, trust me ..... i have learned and been trying for not blaming you for your engagement in the war ... though i must say that i definitely against such war !
it is the system that i condemn and blaming and lament to come to an end !
I've come to learn that you could probably be victim of the system that forcing you to obey and even promised you an identity of being hero of a nation that in fact, sought for its pride and serving its hunger for power over the other or serving its own fear ... at the expense of people's suffering even loss of lives.....