The thirty-sixth day without you,
"I would say I'm okay,
But I'm done lying."
*****
        Where is Sojin? I already wait for her for 2 hours but she hasn't come here yet. Will she really come to see me? I try to call her, but she doesn't pick up her phone. I'm getting worry. She isn't a type of girl who come late on our meeting, or even cancel it. Or she really doesn't wanna meet me? This beach is the beach when I first confessed to her. I miss that moment, I miss how us feeling happy at that time. But it feels like many years had passed from that day.
        "Sojin, I promise you... I will take care of you again, I won't let you go anymore. I don't care about my career or anything, I just wanna stay beside you. Please come back to me... please..."
        Where is she? I let out a long sigh and walk along the beach, keep trying to call her. But a strange sound distract me. The sound is like ringtone of... wait a minute, it's the song that I dance to when I was won the competition: VIXX -- Error. This strange feeling come into my heart, even I don't know why, but I try to run to the source of the music. And from far away... all I can see is it probably come from someone that lying on the beach. Lying? Once I come closer, she doesn't looks like lying but... I drop my phone.
        "PARK SOJIN!"
        My mind and eyes become blur. It's Sojin who lying down... no, she is fainting... I don't know. Everything seems so slow in my steps to get closer to her. Her body is lying on the beach, and when I reach her, she looks so pale and skinny... not even looks like the Sojin I ever knew. Fresh blood flowing out from her nose. She's my Sojin. I hug her body and scream in frustration.
        "PARK SOJIN! NO, NO, PLEASE HOLD ON! I..."
        I keep on hugging her and try to calm myself down as I get my dropped phone and trace the log out call. The last person I called before Sojin is Taekwoon.
        "Taekwoon... I'm at the beach... you know the beach near our Primary School? Can you come here?"
        "Hey Hakyeon, yes of course I know. You want me to go there now?" ask Taekwoon clueless.
        "NOW! NOW TAEKWOON! SOJIN IS... SOJIN..."
        "WHAT'S HAPPENING? WAIT, I'LL GO THERE SOON!"
        Only Taekwoon who I can trust and ask to help in this hard situation. I'm not sure I even can drive anymore. I hold her body... and even she seems so light, don't have normal weight. I keep on staring on her pretty face. My Sojin... what happened to her? God please... whatever happened, don't take her away from me. I couldn't live without her in this world. I love her, only love her, and will only love her.
        "PARK SOJIN!"
*****
        No way. How is this even possible. I'm sitting next to Sojin's bed while Sojin is fall deep into her sleep. Taekwoon is standing beside me, pats my shoulder lightly. My mind is keep on refusing the information I got. It's like pieces of puzzle that spinning inside my mind. My Sojin is sick...
        "Hakyeon..."
        "Woon-ah... tell me that I was just having nightmare right now..."
        "No, it's real, Hakyeon."
        "I don't wanna hear that..."
        "Sojin is sick."
        "No, I don't wanna hear that!"
        I'm losing control. I'm shouting like a crazy person and close my ears with my hands. I know if I close my eyes, I can wake up from this nightmare. Yes I know it. I can feel Taekwoon's arms on my shoulder, shaking me hard.
        "THIS IS REAL! SOJIN IS SICK AND SHE IS SUFFERING FROM LEUKEMIA RIGHT NOW! YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THIS, HAKYEON! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THIS REALITY!"
        I never see Taekwoon as angry as now. I feel my body is getting weak... and those puzzles are forming slowly inside my mind. How I found Sojin is fainted... and Taekwoon come to pick us... when we go to the hospital (which Sojin is being treated from the first she get sick til now)... when the doctor and nurses come to take care of her... and when the doctor told me the reason why Sojin is living here all along the time... her sickness...
        "My Sojin is sick..."
        "You should be stronger Hakyeon! You should help her in this recovery state!"
        "Is she even will get recovered?"
        "Are you stupid? She will be recovered, of course! Stay by her side and support her, that's all what you should do!"
        "Taekwoon... please stay by our side..."
        "We would never leave you Hakyeon. Never."
*****
        So this is the way I'm spending my days. I'm taking hiatus from my activity and staying beside Sojin. Sojin's health is getting better, at least the cancer cell inside her body doesn't regenerate in this past two days, which is, like the doctor's said, is a good sign.
        "Sojin! Look at what I bring to you today!"
        I come to visit Sojin again early in the morning. Sojin is smiling to me, so pretty.
        "Hmm let me guess... is it... chicken?"
        I'm sitting next to her like usual.
        "Wrong," I'm shaking my head, "another guess?"
        "Hmm... maybe you will bring weird food for me?"
        "Aish I bring cupcakes for you~ remember the first cake I made for you is cupcake?"
        "Cupcake!" Sojin is clapping her hands, "I wanna eat it!"
        "But doctor said you can only eat one."
        Sojin is pouting so cutely, "okay but you must eat the rest in front of me. You should replace my mouth and tummy to eat all of it."
        "But this is too much. Can I leave the rest for Sanghyuk? Those guys will come here soon."
        "Really? All of them will come again?"
        "Yes. Don't you miss them?"
        "I do!"
        "Hey Sojin, we're coming!" Taekwoon is opening the door of the room.
        There are Sanghyuk, Jaehwan, Hongbin and Wonshik following behind Taekwoon.
        "We bring flowers to make this room more colorful," said Sanghyuk.
        "How are you today Sojin noona?" ask Wonshik.
        "I feel good and better because all of you are here," answer Sojin, keep smiling happily.
        "Wait a minute! I smell something good and sweet here," said Jaehwan while looking around.
        "Maybe this one?" ask Sanghyuk while pointing at the box full of cupcakes which I put on the table.
        "But I even haven't open the box how come you guys smell it?" I ask curiously.
        "You shouldn't get worry of their ability to smell foods, Hakyeon," said Taekwoon while chuckles lightly.
        "I wanna eat!" said Wonshik while opening the box.
        "No it's mine!" said Sanghyuk while hugging the box.
        "Mine!" Wonshik steal the cupcakes box.
        "They're starting again. Guys please..." Jaehwan try to be the judges.
        Hongbin chuckles, "noona, are you feel better?"
        "Yes, Hongbin. I'm starting to miss the lessons..."
        "Just recovered first before you can back to the class, Sojin," I told her to be patient.
        "Ah noona, is your family here too?"
        "They just go back to my house a while ago," Sojin answered.
        "By the way I haven't give proper greetings to your family yet," I said while scratching the back of my head which is not itchy.
        "You should give it soon hyung," said Hongbin, "how if they don't agree with your relationship with noona..."
        "Ahhh! No please! Okay I will greet them today."
        Me, Hongbin and Sojin are laughing. This kind of happiness is the one that I've been searching for. God, please make this happiness stay longer.
       Â
*****
        Me and Sojin are looking out of the window of her room. The weather after light rain is looking so good.
        "Wanna go outside for a while? To the park?"
        Sojin is nodding her head fast.
        "Here, wear my jacket first."
        I took off my jacket and put it on her body. I'm looking at the wheel chair for a while, but later I'm chuckles, then suddenly hold Sojin's body and leave the wheel chair far away.
        "Ah! Hakyeon! What are you doing?"
        "Let's forget the wheel chair. I will hold you up today," I answered her.
        "Yah, be careful!"
        "You're so light, so even someone skinny like me can hold you up."
        While talking and laughing lightly with Sojin, I'm holding up her until the hospital park. Like what we're expecting, the weather is fresh and nice. We're trying to find dry bench where I put her to sit on it, then I'm sitting next to her. Slowly, Sojin rest her head on my shoulder.
        "This is so peaceful..."
        "Hakyeon-ah, you're not busy?"
        "Busy? Of course not, I'm still taking hiatus."
        "Until when?"
        "Hmm I don't know... maybe until you're get recovered?"
        Sojin is staring on my face, "but we don't know when I will get recovered."
        "Then I'll be waiting."
        "You can't do it Hakyeon. You should go back to your activity. You have take 2 months hiatus, I'm afraid if you taking longer hiatus, no one will remember you anymore..."
        "It's okay. As long as I can accompany you."
        "I don't like it."
        I'm staring back at Sojin's face, she looks so serious right now. Then she took her phone out of her pocket to show the wallpaper: it's me on the stage. My eyes widened when I saw that.
        "I'm proud of my boyfriend as idol. No matter how busy he is, no matter how far we could separate, I'll be waiting for him."
        "But Sojin, you know how busy I am if I go back to my activity. I might can't see you for days..."
        "It's okay, I'm slowly get used to it."
        Sojin is smiling prettily. But I feel bad. I don't wanna leave her for long again.
        "We can work hard together. I'm working hard to get recovered soon, while you're working hard to be more and more popular, become worldwide idol!"
        I swear I can see her eyes sparkling in happiness.
        "I'll tell the media about our relationship."
        "Don't!" Sojin almost screaming and makes me shock, "I'm now sick, how come you tell the media now? How if they come to see me and I can't rest at all after that?"
        "Ah... you're right..."
        "Wait til I'm recovered okay?"
        "But I can tell the media that I have girlfriend already right?"
        "If you want to tell them, then it's up to you."
        But I know she is happy. I pull her to my embrace. This is what I want, never changed. She is in my embrace... this is right.
        "Let's get married."
        "What? Don't tease me!"
        "I'm serious."
        Sojin is putting her finger on my lips, "after I get recovered. I don't wanna be a bride who sit on the wheel chair along the isle."
        I'm chuckled, "sure. That's why, you need to get well soon."
        "I will."
*****
AUTHOR POV
        Winter is coming. This is the third month Sojin is staying at the hospital. She is now making Christmas gift for Hakyeon. Her hands are keep on busy making sweater, while her eyes sometimes stare on the television. Her boyfriend is there, Cha Hakyeon, looking so happy attending a reality show. Sojin is smiling too while watching it.
        "Hakyeon-ssi, we heard that you have girlfriend," said the MC, "when will you show to us that lucky girl? Where is she right now?"
        "Let me answer it one by one," said Hakyeon, "first, we will wait for the right time until I can bring her up to the stage. It could be at the same day when I propose her."
        "You will get married? At this young age?"
        Suddenly the door is open, it's Hongbin who coming.
        "Hey noona! I bring new flowers for you!" he said happily.
        "Come here Hongbin, look, it's your hyong on the screen!"
        "Really? Oh my, I forgot to watch it!"
        Hongbin is sitting on the empty chair next to Sojin and watching the television too.
        "And the second question, she is here," Hakyeon puts his hand on her chest.
        "Wow! Hakyeon-ssi must be a romantic person!"
        "Is he romantic, noona?" ask Hongbin to Sojin.
        "Well, I couldn't really say he is romantic, but sometimes he likes to make surprise, which I always like it."
        Hongbin is laughing lightly before he looking at the sweater Sojin is making.
        "Sweater? For Hakyeon hyong?"
        "Yes. Winter is coming, so this is my Christmas gift for him. But I thought it's still too short for him. Can you try this Hongbin? Your body is a bit similar with his."
        "Sure noona."
        Hongbin is trying on the sweater.
        "I think noona should make it longer again, it's just cover the upper tummy now."
        "Ah sure I will make it longer..."
        But in sudden, Sojin feel her head is spinning too fast, even she didn't realize her body fall to the bed so fast. Hongbin is screaming, but Sojin even never remember it anymore.
        "NO! SOJIN NOONA! DOCTOR! ANYONE! PLEASE COME HERE! NOW!!!"
        Hongbin is pressing the bell in panic, and the medical team coming in no time, busy checking the weak body of Sojin. Hongbin was pushed aside, and he keep on staring on Sojin. He is so confused, she looks so fine a minute before. The medical team is pushing her bed out of the room.
        "Wait!" in a reflect, Hongbin hold a nurse arm, "where do you wanna take Sojin noona go?"
        "To the intensive care room. She is in critical condition."
        "But she was okay five minutes ago!"
        "There's something wrong happen with her red blood cells, we need to take care of her now."
        In panic, Hongbin is calling one by one of his best friends, including Hakyeon...
*****
        I'm sitting next to Sojin's bed. It's two days already since Sojin is being taken to the ICU room, and she hasn't conscious yet. The medical team try so hard to do anything that they can, and we trust in them. I trust in them. I trust they can make my Sojin awake... they can make Sojin aware of my presence, that I never leave her side since two days ago. I miss talking to her. Again, I hold her hand tight.
        "Sojin, it's me. Please open your eyes, I wanna see your pretty eyes. I wanna talk to you again. You know what? I didn't even receive any hate comment about my statement that I have a girlfriend. It's a nice sign for us right? They even congratulate me and wanna see you soon. Please wake up and let me introduce you to the world. Sojin... please awake."
        But there is no sign from her. She keeps on sleeping... sleep so tight. Can she hear my voice? Am I appear in her dream? Sojin where are you, why don't you wanna see me anymore? I'm dying of missing you. Please, for me, don't ever surrender...
*****
        I must be having nightmare again. Even my manager never drive as crazy as right now, when he is taking me to the hospital. I got emergency call from Taekwoon, and I even don't have time to change my stage costume anymore. It's must be about Sojin. I still can remember Taekwoon's voice clearly on the phone, around 20 minutes ago.
        "Hakyeon! Please come to the hospital now! Sojin..."
        I even don't wanna wait for him to finish his sentence. I yelled to my manager to take me to the hospital. All I wish is, that what Taekwoon wanna told me is Sojin already awake. But inside my heart, I don't know why, it's just bad feeling that haunting me. And when I saw those people in front of the ICU room, it's not the happy aura that I wish for. Mr. and Mrs. Park, both of them are sitting next to each other on the bench, Mrs. Park is crying and Mr. Park, although not crying, is hugging her wife to calm her down. Jaehwan is standing beside the door, lean his back to the wall. Hongbin and Wonshik, both are in front of the window, looking inside to the room. Sanghyuk is sitting on the floor beside the bench, covering his face with both of his hand. Only Taekwoon aware of me and my manager's presence. He comes to approach us.
        "Where is Sojin...?"
        Taekwoon is shaking his head. I don't understand.
        "What do you mean Woon? Tell me where is Sojin!"
        Can't control myself, I hold Taekwoon's shoulders and shake him really hard. I don't like he is being silent in this situation. But before Taekwoon could say anything, Dr. Lee is coming from Sojin's room. Everybody, including me, is running towards her.
        "Doctor, my daughter... how is she?" ask Mr. Park.
        "I'm sorry. We already do the best we can. Something wrong with her body, since she fainted last time, her body don't wanna fight the cancer cell anymore. The medicine we gave to her can't be really effective, if she has no will to fight," explain Dr. Lee.
        "What do you mean, doctor?" ask Mrs. Park between her sobs.
        "She only has very short time now. She is conscious, and she wanna talk to... Hakyeon."
        All things happened so fast... when Mrs. Park fainted and everybody got shock trying to help her... and I'm running, like in a dream, to Sojin's room, pushing everybody away in my rush to see her. That's my Sojin. I hope it's just another nightmare. But it feels so real. Her sparkling eyes stare weakly to me, and I reach her hand, holding it so tight while staring on her face. Her hand feels so warm. It's real.
        "Hakyeon-ah..."
        "Sojin, please don't say anything..."
        "No, I have no more time... and you know it..."
        She smiles softly... that pretty smile which I miss.
        "Give me... my phone."
        I look around and Taekwoon, who was following me, take out Sojin's phone out of his pocket and give that phone to me before I pass it to Sojin. She touch her phone to open its password.
        "For you... inside my notes... Hakyeon... I'm sorry."
        "I don't wanna forgive you, Sojin... I don't..."
        "Please forgive me... it's so hurt. I can't hold it anymore... I wanna... I still wanna be with you... but I can't..."
        "How can you leave me alone? You know I can't live alone without you! I never can do it!" I'm screaming in frustration, tears are falling from my eyes.
        "You... don't live alone. There will be one day... I will just be your memory... you should be happy, Hakyeon..."
        "MY HAPPINESS IS YOU! I DON'T WANT THIS WORLD, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING, I JUST WANT YOU!"
        Sojin is shaking her head softly, "don't be stubborn... forgive me, Hakyeon..."
        "No Sojin... no, don't ever..."
        "I won't say goodbye... I am..."
        She pointed at my chest. I know what she means. She is here. She never leaves. She is living in my heart. I'm fall on my knees, couldn't stop crying while staring on her face and holding her hand tight.
        "Forgive... me..."
        "I FORGIVE YOU, SOJIN. BUT PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME!"
        She smiles once again, even looking more pretty than usual, "I love you, Cha Hakyeon... and... see you again."
        I never realize that was her last smile that I could see. I never realize I could never see that sparkling eyes staring on me once again. I never realize I could never hear her voice, or hugging her, or feeling her warm body anymore. I don't wanna know anything, til everybody try to separate me from Sojin, when they're pushing me away. No... Sojin is just sleeping. Why all of you being cruel to me? But I know I'm wrong. Her hand... now turns cold.
        "NO! PARK SOJIN! NO!"
        "CHA HAKYEON! CALM YOURSELF AND LISTEN TO ME!"
        Only one cold voice that could make me stop. It's Taekwoon's. He hold my shoulders and stare on my eyes.
        "Sojin has gone."
        And I know he won't lie to me.
*****
        I'm sitting alone on the beach. In my hand, there is Sojin's phone. Now I grab it using both of my hands. I haven't read the notes she left for me. First note. I open and read it.
The first day without you
"I will always care for you,
Even if we're not together
And even if we're far,
Far away from each other."
        Something hard stabs on my heart. Til I read the second note. The third. Fourth. Twentieth.
The twentieth day without you
"Each night I put my head to the pillow,
I try to tell myself I'm strong
Because I've gone one more day without you."
        That kind of sad quotes stopped at "the thirty-sixth day without you" which I realize, the day after that must be the day when me and Sojin met again on the beach. And after that note, I found another note.
        I'm very proud of my Cha Hakyeon. He is so charming on the stage, he must be born to be a star! Not even the most popular idol right now can overcome him, he will be more popular one day! While he's working hard, I would never stop to fight over this deadly virus too. Let's work hard, Hakyeon! And I'll be your healthy and pretty bride someday!
        And another note.
        I don't know why but I feel so much weak lately... but I must hold on, I haven't finish the sweater for Hakyeon yet, but winter is coming already! How if the first snow fall and this sweater hasn't done yet? My Hakyeon will be freezing! But how if I can't finish it...? Ah! Stupid Park Sojin! There will be nothing happened! I will see Hakyeon wearing this pretty sweater! Fighting!
        No more. She hasn't really leave something for me. Maybe she has no time? Because she was fainted since that day. Hopelessly, I'm opening all things inside her phone, until I opened her gallery and find one edited picture. It's our picture when we were dating at amusement park. We took picture in front of the ferris wheel. And there are some sentence written there.
        If someday my heart stops beating
        Trust me it's isn't me who want it to stop
        All I wish is to live together with you until both of us get old
        But if that day really come
        Trust me it's the best for us
        We would never be separate, you and I, in our heart
        You're my first and my last
        My simple love is you, spending more time with me
        Though its sounds so selfish... but you did it
        In my most weak days you're always here for me
        Cha Hakyeon, you're the happiest thing that happened in my short life
        Please make me more proud
        Eat more, work harder, live well, and be happy
        For I always live inside your heart, and I will be your guardian angel
        Cha Hakyeon
        I love you. Yesterday. Now. Until my last breath.
        And I couldn't help the tears flowing over my eyes once again. If only I could spend more time with her. If only I know she would leave me, I won't waste even a second away without her. I'm hiding my face into my palm. This hurt caused by that poem stabs me, it makes me realized Sojin is really gone. I'm crying and feel my body is shaking hard. Then I feel warm hand poke my shoulder softly. When I'm uncover my face, I could see 5 of my friends are kneeling in front of me. They're all still wearing black suit, we just send Sojin to her last rest. Hongbin's eyes are still red, Wonshik smile bitterly, Sanghyuk looks like he even doesn't know what is he doing now, Taekwoon looks cold like usual, while Jaehwan, the one who poke my shoulder, smile gently.
        "Cry today, but promise you won't let yourself fall again for the next day. I believe Sojin noona don't want to see you like this," he said.
        And I'm crying hard... lots... I let go all of this burden inside my heart. I'm not shy, a man can cry, and to do it in front of my best friends is far better than crying alone. I never feel this hurt in my entire life, there is no words come out of my mouth, I'm just crying, with Hongbin who is crying along, and, it's like some kind of magic, that hurt is leaving my heart... slowly. And the tears are stopping too.
        "Hyong... this is the sweater that Sojin noona wanna give to you," said Hongbin with his soft voice, "it hasn't really done yet."
        I took the sweater from Hongbin's hand. A pretty black and blue sweater, the last gift I got from Sojin.
        "I will miss her pumpkin cake too," said me while trying to smile.
        "For hyong, I will take baking course!" nod Sanghyuk.
        "You? I'm not sure to eat the cake you bake..." said Jaehwan.
        And soft laugh come out of my mouth. At least, I'm not alone.
        "You should be more popular or Sojin noona will not rest in peace, hyong," said Wonshik.
        "That won't happened, Shik," Taekwoon said while smiling.
        "Guys I need your help," I said, "please be my cheerleader team while I'm trying to be worldwide idol."
        "Sure. But it's not for free!" said Jaehwan.
        "Seriously Jaehwan, I thought you're my brother?"
        "I don't want too!" agree Wonshik.
        "Hey! What kind of brother you are!"
        "You know Hakyeon, we want chicken," finally Taekwoon unlock my brain.
        "We will have chicken party every night til all of you can't eat anymore!"
        "That's a promise, hyong!!!" said Hongbin happily.
        I will live for you, Park Sojin. Please watch me from heaven, and keep protect me. Like you said, we will meet again, right? See you again, Park Sojin...
*****
        "I just can't believe it!"
        "Junghan hyong, please calm down," I said while rubbing his back, "if you so easily to get mad, you will get old faster."
        "But your concert will start in thirty more minutes, and your stylist even haven't arrived yet! I should tell this to the agency."
        "Don't be too mean hyong, it's her first day right? And I heard that she is really great as stylist, the agency won't listen to you easily I think."
        "But if you're late for the opening, our agency surely will kick her out!"
        "I don't mind to do make-up by myself, hyong. I've learn a bit about it..."
        "I'M SORRY I'M LATE!"
        "Finally you're here!"
        I turn around my neck so fast until I feel hurt around my neck. It couldn't be. That voice seems familiar, that voice is remind me of someone... And that girl, she is quite tall, has long black hair with big sparkling eyes, bowing her head twice, for me and Junghan hyong, then speaking again...
        "I am Kim Heemin, the new stylist here! Please treat me well!"
        Even her gesture has no different with her, my past girlfriend. Is it you? Is it why you said "see you again"? Are you coming back to me?
        "Park Sojin..."
        "Nee? I'm sorry Hakyeon-ssi, my name is Kim Heemin," and she forced me to sit down, "we should get hurry or the agency will fire me."
        I don't care if you live as Kim Heemin now. I'll make you mine, and won't let you leave
