                                              Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin.
                                                It is about knowing and accepting who you are.
                                                                 (Ellen DeGeneres)
"You are ugly," That boy said to me.
My classmates called that boy, Surya, a name that derived from Sanskrit word which has the meaning of 'Sun'. But, he is nothing like that star which has always been the center of the solar system. The sun is warm, nice and always shines brightly during the day, but Surya is different. He is mean, rude and has a gloomy look all over his face .
I know that he hates me. So for the first time he tried to scornfully abuse me, I ignored him.
But, once again he tried to insult me.
"Maria, you are so so... ugly. You look like a orangutan."
I realized that I am not beautiful, but not unattractive either. I'm just different from the rest of  my schoolmates. I studied in a private catholic elementary school, many of my schoolmates was a Chinese descent. They have a lighter and softer skin than me. I am a 'pureblood' Javanese , both of my parents were born and raised in Special Region of Yogyakarta.  As a Javanese, I have a yellow-tanned skin which they consider as a 'darker' skin than theirs.
At that time, I was just a fifth grader in elementary school. My height was 5 feet or 155 in cm. I was the second tallest girl in my class. I'm taller and skinnier than Surya, which made him feel more annoyed. And the humiliation is getting worse, when Surya became my seatmate.
One day, when my teacher ask us about our medical histories. Surya voluntary answered my medical questions. He said to my teacher that my face has suffered from pimple and tinea versicolor or in Indonesia, we called it 'Panu'. I knew that my face had a lighter patches of skin which distinguish my upper face and my lower face. But it is not a tinea versicolor, which caused by fungal infection of the skin. My skin has a different tone of colour, because unusual pigmentation on my face, it called pityriasis alba, It often presents following sun exposure, because tanning of surrounding skin makes affected areas more prominent.
After that, because of  Surya's intervention, my classmates begin to call me 'wajah panu'(panu face). My skin condition becomes their reason to intimidating me and 'being different' makes me the object of their hatred. I was an easy target for them, because I was shy and reserved girl. I was too nervous to hold a conversation with my classmates. Fighting back or talking to those people was out of the question. When they called me with that nickname, actually I felt uncomfortable but I was too afraid to oppose them. In the end, I always end up crying quietly. I never told anybody about what happens to me, not my teacher or even my parents.
I remembered, the worst things that they had done to me. It was during the work in group,in our classroom. I was in a study group with Tommy, Gracia and Vado as a members. Tommy was an acolyte in our school church, he does not talk much. Gracia was a fussy and busybody, the type of  girl that I want to avoid the most and Vado was infamous for his disobedient act towards our teacher. The teacher told us to sit together in a group. I have an acrimony about my study group composititon, I want to get our assignment done as soon as possible. And my bad premonition occurred.
"Hey Maria," Gracia was the first person that spoke to me,
"Are you mute? I've never heard your voice,"
"Hey leave her alone, don't you know that she's deaf ? She cannot even hear you, Ha ha ha," Vado answered quickly.
"Look at her face, she has a 'panu' on her face," Gracia said,
"She has a beautiful name, but she is so ugly. Does not she want to change her name?"
"Or she can do a plastic surgery," Vado replied.
"It's a shame when you are ugly. People will always make fun of you, people will never love you and no one is gonna marry you,"
Their jokes makes me felt uncomfortable.
 I tried to hold in my anger. But, everytime I make an attempt to fight them back, nothing came out from my mouth. Instead, tears come out from my eyes, because I felt sharp pain in my heart.
Those hurtful words carry a great power to influence my mind.
In my adolescence, I grew up as a girl who had a low self-esteem and self-hating.
I suffered from inferiority feelings. Sometimes, I think myself as an unworthy and unacceptable person no matter what I do or whatever achievement I made.
I was considering myself as a philophobic. I think that I do not deserve to be in love, cannot be loved by somebody and nobody will loves me in return.
At that time, I detest myself for being ugly and was lacking of self-confidence. I blame my unhappiness on my body and face. I always believe that I was ugly both inside and outside. Because of that, I was distancing myself from the others. Not participating or socializing and always try to avoiding mirrors so I cannot see my disgusting face. Sometimes I think that, whether I was around or not, it wouldn't make a difference. Even if I die, no one will looks for me. Emotional pain from my experience, created an invisible wound that leads to my self-destruction.
Until now, I have never consider myself as a beauty.
Self Acceptance
Everyone dealing with their own pain.
After underwent a similar situation in my junior high school, I did not want to destroying myself for the second time. So, I left my hometown in order to recovering and starting a new life. I went to study aboard in senior high school, far away from my family and friends.
Overcoming that traumatic experiences was one of my hardest effort in life. I was lucky enough to realized that life is too beautiful to be wasted. I never regret my decision to come out from my hometown. The thing that I learn from life, If people around you did not care or not supporting you, you must go away from that place and start looking for a new place where the people would loved you for the way you are and cherished you.
And I found my place. I found my 'home'.
I learned to regulate my emotions. For the first in my life, I tried both loving and letting oneself  to be loved. It turns out, to let ourselves be loved was harder than to loved someone.
Surprisingly, I acquire a knowledge to interact with another person. I built my own confidence, moreover joining dancer team in high school.
Did I transform into a new person?
No. I am still that 'old Maria' on the inside. That shy and timid person who loves being alone, a bookworm who loves to read, write and draw everything.
But the different thing is, now I am happier and always be grateful.
I learn to accepting myself. I try to loving myself more and be positive about my life. I identified my own weaknesses and of course my strengths.
As I have matured, I realized that people judge another person based on the physical appearance. They will, and always love to judge you. Judgement is human nature, you cannot change that because it is a part of our thinking process.
Based on "What is Beautiful is Good", a Journal of  Personality and Social Psychology written by Karen Dion, Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Walster, evidence abounds that attractive people are judged more positively on a wide variety of dimension. Analyses reveal that attractive individuals were indeed judged to be more socially desirable than are unattractive person, and it is presumed that their lives will be happier and more successful.
Does beauty really the key to happiness and success?
Robert G. Franklin and Leslie Zebrowitz wrote in their journal Attraction and Beauty, more attractive people elicit more positive first impressions. This effect is called the attractiveness halo, and it is shown when judging those with more attractive faces, bodies, or voices. Moreover, it yields significant social outcomes, including advantages to attractive people in domains as far-reaching as romance, friendships, family relations, education, work, and criminal justice.
But, according to Nancy Etcoff, in her book  Survival of The Prettiest: The Science of Beauty, beauty influences everything from our perceptions and attitudes to our behavior toward others. But, beauty doesn't necessarily make a person happy. Happiness deals more with personal characteristics such as optimism, high self-esteem and finding comfort in affection for people rather than in looks or money. The key of happiness is to stop always wanting more and to be grateful for what you do have.
Actually, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty cannot be judged objectively, for what one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another.
In conclusion, every person is beautiful in their own way. Attractiveness cannot be the reason to make someone life's a misery. Just because they are unattractive, it does not mean that the other people who thought they are more attractive, can humiliate another human. Everyone deserve the chance to pursue happiness, and an equal opportunity to get it, no matter how 'unattractive' they are.
Attractiveness is not determine your self-worth. For me, being pretty is not my job, but being respected as a human being is my right.
I proud to be the 'unattractive' me. (MYK)
