Tren Marriage is Scary : Really? This Psychology Sees It

Reports from the Central Statistics Agency (BPS) show that, in the last three years, the number of marriages in Indonesia has decreased. The most drastic decline occurred in 2023, with a drop of around 2 million couples, from 1,705,348 marriages in 2022 to 1,577,255 marriages in 2023. Moreover, the Central Statistics Agency (BPS) also stated that in 2023, the divorce rate in Indonesia decreased by 10.2%, from 516,344 cases to 463,654 cases. Although there has been a decline, this number is still considered quite large. Interestingly, 76% of these divorce cases are contested, meaning the divorce was initiated by the wife. This can be concluded that many women in Indonesia feel dissatisfied or uncomfortable with their marriages and choose to end them. What are the factors behind this trend? What is the response of psychological experts to this phenomenon?

Marriage, once seen as the ultimate symbol of happiness and love, is now viewed by some as frightening, especially among the younger generation. This perception is influenced by the viral "Marriage is Scary" trend on social media, which gained attention as many influencers faced issues like domestic violence, infidelity, and family conflicts. These realities have caused growing fear and anxiety about marriage, leading many young people to reconsider or avoid it altogether, fueled by increased awareness of such marital challenges.

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This phenomenon ties into the growing discourse around the "Marriage is Scary" trend, which highlights fear and anxiety toward marriage. Psychologist Ghozali Rusyid Affandi, S.Psi., M.A., from Universitas Muhammadiyah Sidoarjo (Umsida), explains that while fear of marriage is natural, it becomes problematic when it disrupts someone's mindset and leads to avoidance of marriage altogether. From a psychological perspective, Ghozali outlines several factors contributing to this fear.

1. Fear of Marriage Failure

Negative family experiences or witnessing divorce can instill deep anxiety about long-term relationships. These negative experiences shape their perception of marriage, leading them to feel that marital life will inevitably end in failure. This anxiety can weaken one's self-confidence in long-term relationships and even affect how they build commitment with their partner.

2. Uncertainty About the Future

Social media amplifies fears by showcasing marital conflicts, infidelity, and instability. This can trigger the perception that marriage does not always bring happiness and stability. Instead of viewing marriage as a step toward a better life, many people begin to see it as something that could end in greater suffering and problems. This uncertainty is further exacerbated by the social influences that link marriage to tension and unhappiness.

3. Fear of Losing Freedom

Concerns about sacrificing personal time, mobility, or career opportunities weigh heavily on individuals. They worry that marriage and family will limit their mobility, making the fear of losing freedom a significant factor influencing their decision to marry.

4. Fear of Choosing the Wrong Partner

Doubts about a partner's character or compatibility often deter people from committing. For example, if someone marries a man with rigid patriarchal views who refuses to share household responsibilities, or if the partner exhibits negative behaviors like frequent infidelity, the fear of unhappiness in the marriage exacerbates anxiety. This fear can also stem from past experiences or stories from others who faced issues with unsupportive partners or demanding in-laws.

5. Feeling Not Ready

Many delay marriage due to concerns about financial, mental, or emotional readiness, even though no one feels entirely "ready". Everyone will face anxiety about marriage, regardless of their age or level of preparedness. This sense of unpreparedness often arises from concerns about dividing responsibilities, building a family, and navigating the life changes that occur after marriage.

Social media plays a significant role in shaping the "marriage is scary" mindset, especially among younger couples. According to Nuridha Weningsari, M.Psi, a psychologist, platforms like TikTok allow users to openly share personal experiences, often highlighting the negative aspects of marriage, like "What if he doesn't want to co-parent because he thinks it's only the mother's job? What if he doesn't defend me in front of his family? What if he hides financial matters from me? What if I'm not allowed to work and can only stay at home? Or what if his family always blames me when there are issues in our marriage?" These anxieties reflect a broader fear of marriage becoming a source of injustice or confinement to traditional roles. In an era valuing equality and independence, many women aspire to pursue careers and personal freedom, but societal and familial expectations often push them to.

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Excessive fear of commitment in marriage, known as gamophobia, is an irrational fear of marriage that can significantly impact both mental and physical health. Individuals with gamophobia often experience intense stress and anxiety when confronted with marriage-related situations, which can lower their overall quality of life. According to Alodokter, physical symptoms of gamophobia may include palpitations, cold sweats, dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, and chest pain.

How to overcome this? According to Psych Central, there are several steps that can be taken to deal with the fear of marriage, helping individuals feel more prepared and confident in entering into it, such:

1. Have Realistic Expectations

Understand that no one is perfect, and conflicts are natural in marriage. Discuss expectations, principles, and both strengths and weaknesses with your partner to build a supportive and growth-oriented relationship.

2. Prepare with Knowledge

Equip yourself with knowledge about marriage, including conflict resolution, financial management, and parenting. Consider attending premarital education programs to enhance readiness and understanding.

3. Understand Your Reasons for Marriage

Clarify why you want to marry, whether it's for companionship, love, or building a family. Align these reasons with your partner to create a solid foundation for your relationship.

4. Set Shared Goals

Discuss and align future goals with your partner. Shared aspirations provide direction, reduce uncertainty, and foster teamwork in achieving a fulfilling life together.

5. Take Care of Emotional and Mental Health

Maintain emotional and mental stability through self-care and stress management. A balanced mindset helps in navigating challenges and sustaining a healthy relationship.

So, "Marriage is Scary" may resonate with some, but it doesn't define the true essence of marriage. Instead of focusing on fear, marriage should be seen as a commitment that fosters growth, trust, and equality. While challenges are inevitable, they can be overcome through preparation, open communication, and mutual support. By building clear agreements and strengthening the relationship with knowledge and understanding, couples can face fears and create a solid foundation for a fulfilling partnership. In the end, marriage is not something to dread---it's a journey of shared goals, dreams, and the hope of growing together in happiness.

Reference:

• Alodokter. (2024, 5 November). Mengenal Gamophobia, Ketakutan untuk Berkomitmen dan Menikah.
• BeritaSatu. (2024, 21 Agustus). 10 hal yang harus dilakukan agar tidak takut menikah.
• Dinas PPAPP Provinsi DKI Jakarta. (2023). Tren "Marriage is Scary": Apakah Dampaknya Bagi Generasi Muda? [Video]. YouTube.
• PsychCentral. (2019, 29 September). How to overcome the fear of marriage.