Mom, Love, and Me

---- Imbalance triangle on April 20 ----

Forty eight years ago, on April 20, 1958 was born the greatest woman in the world, especially in my life. She was born in Klaten, Central Java. She grew up in a farmer family, started her rules at six years old and spent childhood time to support her financial family by doing any good thing she could. At the dawn of a time, she had to wake up and went to the rice field, just to accompany her family to plant some paddy or fertilize corn.

That was her activities around 6 years until she decided to join in public school. But poverty forced her to stop studying and went back to the rice field for surviving. Yet, the spirit never dies, her brother-in-law had to fight so hard to earn a plenty of money to support his sister to continue her study until she reached her second class of junior high school. Indeed she never finished her senior high school yet.

Extremely, for me, her formal education title is so contradictive with her explicit one. For example, I always thought that she could manage her family’s financial very well though she didn’t reach under graduate school. Perhaps, she’s even better than ordinary women who hold degree in economics but failed to prove their knowledge on their life. Great and Grateful to Allah, The Nourisher.

Alhamdulillah in 2009, two of her children had already finished their study. One of them took the title in Gajah Mada University for computer science while another one took financial management economics in Sriwijaya University. Gratitude for Allah, today both of her children have already worked. She is the greatest woman in my life, she is my mom and she was born on April 20. It is the root why I said April 20 is my special day.

The Second special on April 20.

My name is Budi, I was born by the greatest woman on April 8, 1987. I spent my childhood in Palembang, South Sumatera. I finished my kindergarten and elementary school at Madrasah Qur’aniah 1 Palembang. That place taught me not only science but also spiritual aspect. Big thanks to Allah as a guide of life and my family who drove me to join that school.

After finishing my elementary school, I continued my formal education at Junior High School Number 6 and then Senior High School Number 15. Least but not less, I sent graceful for The Almighty, I am as an ordinary person can be received in public university, with my first option is financial management in Economics Faculty of Sriwijaya University. On the third semester I persisted that I didn’t want to be an “empty scholar” because it was full enough in this country. I believe Allah will be the director in my life, so that was why I had to study hard to reach my destiny.

I took three and a half years to finish my college before I got scholarship from private company. The place that I am focusing right now and I’ve already promised with my self that I Insya Allah want to fulfill this contract till it finish. Coincidentally, the date I started work was April 20. It’s what I call the second special on April 20.

Day by day I discover this life and almost every time I listen to many people will ask about our life “Where will life bring you to? Probably most of us will answer “let it flow” but sometimes I want to leave it behind and run easily, but my dream often drives me to think hard how to finish what I’ve already started.

Hopefully on April 20 someday, I can create another great moment in my journey. I want to build perfect beautiful triangle for my whole life. The first and second of April 20 had been answered with my mom’s birthday party and the first day I worked. But the third April 20 is still mystery until The Expert of mystery will answer it. Actually I got used to creating a balance triangle but I didn’t know why I got slipped so that the triangle was broken.

I hope it will complete my imbalance triangle. So far, my feeling tells me if it will have such relation to love. Approximately, I almost complete it, but the time was broken up when the moment came and I knew if she was not mine. It was just thrilled and I had to let it go anytime. I closed the chance by forgetting what I had ever felt and already promised to my self that what I had been released, it would not point to return.

Allah still keeps a beautiful one for me, but not now. I tried whole hearted and made sure to my self that a holy love happens when we can sincerely leave someone who we love so that she can find happiness, though not with us.

Nowadays I would like to focus to chase my dream, so I’ll forget about this feeling and I’m certain that I’ll get there. I start to concede my life to Allah and wait then see till the triangle will completely be neck and neck to build the puzzle becomes great pyramid.

Allah is an architect of our life, surely we belong to Allah and to Him we will be returned. I can only propose but, it is the Almighty who will decide everything. I believe there are 3 answers of prays: first, Allah will grant it directly; second, Allah will suspend it till the right time and the third, Allah will change our pray with a better one.

Trust me, Allah will guard us with bright wings, stay till our heart learns to see all life completely. Sometimes, when I think about love, reason lies helplessly. I often pretend because the truth is scary. Even though I thought if she was an almost-perfect girl, but she is not perfect for me. Someday I need someone who’s going to be there for me, no matter what happen sometimes the world comes in a hurry, someone who truly loves me, someone I can trust. I believe that day will come and finally Allah will put her as a supporter in my imbalance triangle on April 20.

Perhaps I am not a good-enough-man like Andy Dufresne in Showshank Redemption, who sent letters for around 6 years for the chief of Showshank Prison District. He did not do this for his freedom but he only intend to add books in prison library. And I’m not as patient as Brooks that spent 50 years of his life as a book keeper in Book Hatlen library.

I was here but where is the supporter of my imbalance triangle?

It is God’s destiny.

(In memory of April 20)

Manado on May 10th, 2010.