Commitment-Building Marriage: Be Careful If You Don't Want to Regret It

Every couple will certainly have a goal to go to a more serious level, namely marriage. In Islam, marriage is the longest act of worship for a Muslim. Marriage is like a company where two people work together to carry out their respective duties and obligations. Therefore, it is necessary to have an attitude to cooperate and understand each other with your partner so that the purpose of marriage runs harmoniously and happily. However, to realize a beautiful life after marriage is not as easy as imagined. 

There will be conflicts along the way. Conflicts in relationships, be it dating or marriage, are often caused because one party is no longer cooperative in carrying out their respective obligations. As a result, the other party feels disadvantaged and like they are working alone. This will cause fatigue and loneliness because the partner can no longer work together. These frequent conflicts often lead to disagreements with the partner until it ends in separation.

According to the Statistics Indonesia report, the number of divorce cases in Indonesia reached 516,334 in 2022. This figure increased by 15.31% compared to 2021 which reached 447,743 cases. The number of divorce cases in the country last year even reached the highest number in the last six years. Based on the province, the highest divorce cases in 2022 were in West Java, with 113,643 cases. Followed by East Java and Central Java, with 102,065 cases and 85,412 cases respectively.

If you look at the existing data, it becomes an evaluation of why so many couples are filing for separation. This is very different from a marriage relationship in the past, where married couples or especially wives chose to act more protectively in maintaining the integrity of their household. But now it has been reversed with the ease with which married couples choose to divorce. So it can be seen from the current social changes in Indonesian society that the divorce rate is getting higher. Shouldn't marriage be a sacred thing that should last a lifetime? What is the reason why hundreds of thousands of couples break the vows and promises they have made to God on their wedding day to live with their partner for life until death separates?

Divorce is caused by several things, one of which is that disharmony is often a major factor in divorce because in building a marriage or introducing the opposite sex in building a household, it must be based on confidence, trust, and commitment as well as the certainty that what we feel is true love and not just because of considerations of other feelings out of control. Disharmony also occurs due to the lack of effort from both parties to maintain the relationship. Different perspectives on a problem that is not communicated, different ways of dealing with problems, and lack of interaction in marriage. 

We need to know if committing to a marriage in a hurry can increase the possibility of separation. Because a marriage commitment is not merely a brief introduction but stems from a mutual agreement to continue the bond that both parties have started without coercion. The agreement stems from long-term plans for oneself and the relationship, the desire to bind the partner until the end of the marriage, and the urge to maintain the integrity of the relationship. This can be done by providing psychological comfort to the partner so that the partner does not want to separate or be lured by other parties.

Nowadays, we often see on television news and in the neighborhood that the trend of marrying young has become a common thing. The choice to marry young or not is the right of each individual. But the most important thing is to have prepared carefully beforehand. It is very unfortunate if many are tempted to marry young on the grounds of avoiding dating or wanting to feel the romance of marriage as shown by celebrities. The reality is that not all romances are as beautiful as those shown by celebrities on social media. 

We don't know what's going on behind it. Getting married requires mature mental readiness. Sadly, many young couples ignore this, which results in them not being ready for married life. Marriage is expected to have an impact on married couples to become prosperous and lasting families. Young marriages are entered into by someone vulnerable to the problems that will be faced because psychologically adolescents are not yet able to control their emotions. 

Quoted from the CNN Indonesia page, some time ago the public was in uproar about the rampant early marriage in Ponorogo. The Ponorogo Religious Court even reported receiving 191 applications for dispensation of child marriage. Based on data from the Surabaya High Religious Court, the number of applications for marriage dispensation in East Java Province in 2022 reached 15,212 cases. Of that number, 80 percent of them were because the applicants were pregnant. This figure certainly makes me sad, thousands of young people have to face the rigors of domestic life prematurely. 

Lack of physical and mental preparation will certainly hurt the continuity of their marriage, the most dangerous of which can even lead to depression or mental disorders. Based on data from the Ministry of Women's Empowerment and Child Protection, 53 percent of minors who enter into marriage experience depression and mental disorders. This can occur due to a lack of understanding about the world of marriage which causes them to make decisions too quickly. They should still be able to enjoy their achievements and careers. However, because of ego and lust, they just sacrifice it. Of course, we don't want to experience this.

So how do you get married with careful preparation?

Illustration of Wedding Day (Source: adira.co.id)

One of the important things before living a married life is to prepare mentally. Get married not just because you want to but get married indeed because you are ready to settle down. Because in marriage we will undergo a transition period that has quite a lot of changes. 

When we are married we will encounter attitudes that our previous partner may not show. It becomes a consequence of being able to accept the shortcomings and advantages of a partner. Not only mentally, but the marriage must also prepare financially carefully between the two. It is very important from the beginning to think about stable Finances and financial management in marriage considering the needs that are certainly more and more when married. Stable Finances can also be an indicator of the family's economic well-being.

In addition to considering financial conditions and mental health in marriage, we need to consider marriage readiness factors, namely the factors of social relationship skills, role readiness, spiritual readiness, and communication skills. Social relationship skills in a marriage are very influential in building a relationship with a partner, by having a good relationship, it will be easy for couples to work together. In addition, after living in a new environment, couples can build relationships with neighbors. In this case, one must have a personality that can control emotions, be able to compromise and have a high tolerance attitude to form intimacy in building relationship skills.

Role readiness is the ability that a married couple must have to make wise decisions. For example, important decisions in determining the goals be achieved in fostering a household include readiness to become parents, readiness to carry out obligations as head of the family, readiness to carry out the role of the housewife, and determining children's education.

Spiritual readiness is also important to be prepared for a man. In this case, a man is a leader as well as a family priest. A man also needs to have social readiness to organize the family to work together to achieve family goals.

Communication skills are very influential in marriage readiness. Non-verbal communication errors are caused by cultural differences. These cultural differences are also related to the emergence of context conflicts in the context of interpersonal relationships in couples of different ethnicities. In this case, each partner must have a good personality for responding to perceptions and language differences and a good mindset so that good communication will be established in marriage readiness.

Based on the evaluation data above, we can conclude that marriage readiness or rushing to build a marriage commitment cannot be said to be feasible. Marriage readiness still does not fulfill several factors, namely financial factors, psychological health, role readiness, social relationship skills, spiritual readiness, and good communication skills. The emergence of divorce cases is caused by factors of disharmony in the household. 

The community's response to marriage readiness tends to marry according to what is felt at that time and marriage is considered valid when done as long as both parties are willing and fulfilled physically and mentally because marriage is a good action and must be hastened so as not to cause free adultery.