A slight pause from the poetry. I’ll continue later. You know, people judge me of being too individualist. They say that I lack of empathy and I don’t care about anything but myself. And when I ask “why so?”, they can’t really answer with authentic examples. They come back to lecturing me and trying so hard to convince me that I’m wrong. One of them said that I have become the product of westernization. How so? First, because I drink coffee, and almost can’t leave it. I did not answer back then, but now I’ll say: Oh, well, if you think that only western people drink coffee, tell that to my drivers, or those construction workers, or those other workmen. Why? Because they too drink coffee. So they’re part of the westernization products too? Second is because I am not a follower of what-so-called the Kingdom of the Society. I refuse to entirely change myself based on what society expects me to be. At my house, maybe I have to cope with it, I have to just say “yes” to what they’re demanding, judging, and telling me to be. But here? Hell no! Unless if what I need to change is minor attitude towards someone or something, I can cope with that. But changing myself entirely? Huh? What for? I mean, seriously, maybe I’m being mean. Maybe I’m just not your type of person to hang out with, or maybe I’m just justifying myself and blah blah blah, whatever. Suit yourself. But just like in my fb status yesterday, what’s the point in not being you when you know the real you are more beautiful than that so-called-better you? Wouldn’t that be such as waste? Because in my opinion, even if you don’t intentionally do it, EVERYTHING changes. You were once a baby, a child, and suddenly you are this almost grown-up who starts being afraid of what you’ll become. People around you started to change and suddenly they’re just…not there. Your parents started to demand bigger things from you: from good grades to a spousey and social sense. I get it. Believe me. I get it what he meant by saying that. I’ve been there (on his feet), and done that. Felt that. I completely get it. Being so dependent to my best friends as if my world would collapse without them, becoming very sad when I was alone, feel to children to grandchildren. EVERYTHING changes even if you don’t want them to. My friend once said that by refusing to change myself, I’m being this arrogant stubborn ignorant stupid bitch who lacks of empathing very VERY painful when they ignored me. Oh, I was willing to do anything to make my best friends felt comfy with me. ANYTHING. Then everything just changed. We went our separate ways and for unknown reasons, stop contacting each other. Well, not entirely. Sometimes we goes out when we went home. But my point is, they’re just not there WITH you. And at that time I once felt the emptiness. I lost my ways and I did not know what to do. I had been this happy-go-lucky girl before meeting my best friends. Seeing the world from the eyes of a little girl who were full of optimism. Then I got friends and bet friends, my life was like shining. I felt like I was not alone anymore. Then shits happened, and my world was literally falling apart. Then I see, friends aren’t always willing to be with you at your every moment. Sometimes they just leave you. Sometimes they betray you. Sometimes they stab you from your back, Sometimes they just…don’t need you anymore. Haha. Hold on! I am NOT saying that we should not have any friend! Nu uh! No way! That’s impossible. We NEED friends. I NEED friends. What I don’t need is the too-much dependence. Because if you make your life depend on your society, someday when they’re gone. You’re just gonna lose your way. And I once did. And I don’t want that to happen again. “We can always find new friends.” Haha. Yea true. Aren’t you tired of the impermanence? Like, you’ll always have to find any person wherever you are? Because I already am. Tired. It’s like I don’t have any control of my own life. Losing my own free will. So what I am trying to say is that being independent doesn’t make me lack of empathy or social sense/ability. I just don’t want the attachment gets too tight. Because that’s addictive. Once you’re to tight attached, you start hoping for more, seeing more, and disappointing/disappointed more. Oh I do have friends. Because as my teacher once said, being friends doesn’t mean you have to be together everyday. So for me, being friends means: helping each other, improving each others’ self-esteem, hoping for each others’ best getting each others’ back therefore no matter how often you’re together with them, how long the distance that keeps you apart, they still are your friends. And with that definition, my teachers are my friends. My sisters are my friends. My best friends are my friends. YOU ARE ALL MY FRIENDS. and I care so much about you guys. But if your definition of “friends” is someone who be with you every time, then am I not one of your friends?
I’ll never be you, and you’ll just never be me.
If you’re happy with your popularity, then fine will I be.
Just pushing it on me,
don’t be.
March 15, 2011 Cindy “Zee” Alvionita