Secure Love in an Insecure World, Guide to Healthy Attachment Style

Attachment styles originated from the attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in 1968. These styles influence how individuals form bonds and respond to emotional needs. The theory also impacts how people interact with others in personal and social relationships, with the process beginning in childhood. Attachment styles are divided into two main categories. Secure attachment describes individuals who are capable of building healthy interpersonal relationships. In contrast, insecure attachment refers to the inability to establish healthy interpersonal relationships. Insecure attachment is further divided into three types, there are avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and disorganized attachment, with each type has different difficulties. 

The connection between attachment styles and Erik Erikson's theory of development is evident in the first stage of development, which occurs from birth to 18 months. During this stage, the newborn is not sure of its world and looks to its primary parents or caregiver for stability and consistency of care. If their parents or caregiver is reliable, the child will develop a sense of trust, believing that the world is safe and that people are reliable. This sense of trust makes the child feel safe and influences the attachment style as he or she grows up, forming a secure attachment that makes interpersonal relationships positive. The other side, if their parents or caregiver fails to provide consistent care and affection the child will develop a sense of distrust and insecurity. This can lead to an insecure attachment style and disrupt the child's interpersonal relationships. 

The choice of attachment style theme is based on the fact that many individuals are not aware of their own attachment style. This often results in difficulties in building healthy interpersonal relationships. Providing information about attachment style can add to an individual's understanding and awareness and help to recognize oneself, improve interpersonal relationships with partners, family, and friendships. 

Attachment style refers to the way a person relates/interacts with caregivers and intimate interpersonal relationships. It forms relationships with parents, children, and romantic partners that are mutually accepting. This attachment theory assumes that children develop the ability to regulate emotions through supportive, sensitive and secure attachment. The way childhood care will affect how a person will shape himself. 

This theory has 4 types of attachment styles, there are secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment styles.

• Secure attachment style, can be obtained through a child's relationship with a good family or positive experiences with others and will feel safe. People who have this secure attachment will feel high trust, and good self-confidence, because the relationship with their parents has a sense of security.   In romantic relationships, people with a secure attachment style are more able to form long-lasting and healthy relationships with others. They're more likely to trust their partner and be emotionally available to them. In friendship, people are secure tend to be friendlier and more outgoing making friends is relatively easier for them. In parenting, individuals who are emotionally well-adjusted often mention that growing up in a healthy home environment is the reason behind their happiness and success. 
• Anxious attachment style, people who are more likely to have this attachment style had a childhood where their parents or caregivers were neglectful, abandoned or did not take care of them and committed acts of violence. Which will develop a sense of severe stress or pressure, and will develop excessive anxiety in the relationship. In romantic relationships people who have an anxiety-resistant attachment style will be desperate because their intimacy is all tied up closely with their partner and dependent on their partner, clingy and insecure, they tend to distrust others so they become jealous and controlling. Individuals with an anxious style tend to chase those who are inconsistent in their affection so they become the ones who give one hundred percent of the effort needed to maintain the relationship, even research shows that anxious attachment makes you more likely to stay in an abusive relationship. In friendship, anxious children become very sensitive to rejection and can grow up to be people pleasers and conformists who seek social approval and popularity. In parenting, parents with an anxious resistant attachment style are the most likely to controlling strict and overbearing as caregivers. 
• Avoidant attachment style, children who experience physical violence in their home environment will develop this attachment style more, they will avoid or stay away from relationships with others rather than connecting with someone because they develop pain or distrust with others.  In romantic relationships, avoidance are hesitant to get close to people and have trouble with long-term commitment due to their strong fears of abandonment. They keep their partner at some distance so that they can leave before they are abandoned. In friendship, avoidant people tend to play alone and do not get along much with their friends. A stressor or incident that lowers the sense of stability or threats the quality of the friendship is most likely associated with exhibiting anxious attachment behaviors. In parenting, avoidance may grow up to become emotionally distant parents who don't know how to satisfy their child's needs for closeness and comfort. 
• Disorganized attachment style, occurs when the child experiences deep trauma such as trauma because the child experiences verbal, physical or sexual abuse. It could also be because the child's caregiver commits acts of violence or sexual abuse against others, creating fear. However, despite this fear, the child is often still dependent on this caregiver. Feeling trapped in this environment, the child does his best to behave in ways that protect him from abuse. In romantic relationships, people with disorganized attachment styles tend to have unpredictable and confusing behavior in relationships. They may alternate between being independent,clingy, and emotional. In friendship, People with disorganized attachments may struggle to trust their friends, as they often hold conflicting feelings of wanting closeness but fearing rejection or betrayal. Their interactions can seem overly dependent and other times make a distant which can confuse or frustrate friends. In parenting, parents with disorganized attachment may struggle with fear of being abandoned by their child or of not being a "good enough" parent. This can lead to controlling behaviors or overprotectiveness. 

Attachment style affects the way we live our social lives such as interacting with other people. The qualifications of a healthy and perfect interpersonal relationship are always tied to attachment style.  In tandem with each individual's development, attachment style is always connected to the way individuals behave, communicate, conflict resolution and affect emotional needs. 

Below are some reasons why attachment style is important in interpersonal relationships:  

• Fosters high awareness 

The existence of awareness makes it easy for humans to identify patterns of behavior and reactions in relationships. Such as understanding why they may respond to something in a certain way. 

• Improving communication 

Different types of attachment styles have different communication styles. One reflection of this is that someone with a secure attachment type tends to communicate openly and purposefully. 

• Caring for mental health 

Mental health is one of the impacts of implementing good quality relationships. One of the effects of bad quality of a person's mental health comes from conflicts in interpersonal relationships. Therefore, healthy relationships include the prevention of depression and extreme anxiety. 

If someone wants to get the benefits of attachment style in interpersonal relationships, then secure attachment must be the type with the highest position of several types of attachment styles that are held. \

How to build a secure attachment: 

• Educate Yourself with proximity-seeking 

Starting with physical and emotional contact with the people closest to you. Slowly one will find a sense of security and emotional support that was previously unavailable/lacking 

• Healing an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably spend much of your time ruminating about other people, especially your romantic partners and close friends. Thus, healing an anxious attachment style requires you to work on the relationship that you have with yourself. Your sense of self-worth should be independent of other people and how they feel or behave towards you. (Anna Drescher, 2024) 

• Having stable self-esteem 

When you have self-esteem. Then the potential for self-blame will be blocked, so avoidant and anxious characters will not come. 

• Identify and express your emotions 

Healing is not merely about changing behavior, as this often triggers compensatory behavior. Rather, healing lies in transforming your unconscious beliefs and assumptions underpinning your avoidant attachment behavior. Examine and challenge any negative beliefs or expectations you hold about relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability and replace them with more realistic and positive beliefs that promote healthy connections. (Anna Drescher, 2024) 

• Believe and open-up to others. 

becoming more open and vulnerable with others then people will slowly do the same and show us a positive response which will reduce the insecure feeling.