Sincerity in a Manipulative Person

Sincerity has become one of the noblest attitudes that we expect our surroundings to have. It builds trust among friends, colleges, family, and even lovers. But sometimes sincerity might be hard to identify.

If I am not mistaken, there is a line in "How to Be a Stoic" by Massimo Pigliucci about sincerity.

"Sincerity is where you treat people without looking at them like a tool." You interact with people according to your purpose for interacting, without any hidden intention.

When I was in middle school, sometimes I lied to my parents to sneak into an internet caf to play online games. I remembered designing my actions with hidden intentions whenever I interacted with them. However, the more I lied, the more I learned that someone might easily lie to me too.

How can we know someone is lying? How can we know someone is not acting? How can we know that we are used as a tool for someone's purposes? The answer is that we don't. I think that's why, until this day, I'm not comfortable with direct compliments.

"Wow, you are so good at this.".

"You are the best person that I know."

"I'm proud of you."

Maybe, just maybe, it's all just spitted lies to get your affection for them. To make you someday payback for those rare compliments.

When I was entering college, I studied a few communication and body language tricks during my first year of taking responsibility as a leader for my friends. I adapt my communication style intentionally to every kind of situation and character. In simple terms, a manipulative person.

Slight touches, staring at the eyes, leg orientations, and tilting the head when listening. I learned to make connections with every single person I met. I don't care what they were saying; what I know is that I will just water them as much as they want so that someday I can pick them like flowers. On the surface, it looks like someone is just being a good friend and trying to show their interest in the topic, but actually it is all for a hidden intention. The more I learned it, the harder it became to trust someone.

It is hard to see someone being sincere to us when you are someone with so many self-manipulating track records. When someone tilts their head when listening to my story, I can't get rid of the thought that they did it intentionally just to get my affection. But, probably, they don't. Maybe it was just their natural response because they do want to listen to my story.

Well, can we be sincere? In my case, I draw my goals along a long line. What do I want to be? What do I want to achieve? Who do I have to connect deeply with? If this is the case, can I ever be a sincere person?

I know people who don't have much imagination about themselves. When I ask them about their goals, their ambition, their dreams, and their plans, they don't have much. "I don't know; I'm just living my life. I think we should focus on what is in front of us." They are my close friends in college, and they are one of the sincerest people that I know. Do I have to be like this? Of course not. We are different people with different backgrounds and different goals. I have tried to be like them, but it has left me overwhelmed and razzled with choices and options that must be made with comprehensive consideration. I have to make a decision based on which most benefits my future, right? If sincerity means social interaction with no hidden intention, I left it a long time ago.

However, the good thing is that you can easily find manipulative people. You can be more cautious and selective when choosing someone as a friend to build a good social environment, and skepticism can make it hard to be scammed. If you find a manipulative person in your surroundings, you can just wait and see. What I learned is that a manipulative person isn't a patient and consistent person. Just like a garder who can't wait to pick the fruits but is reluctant to water them every day. Their true intention will be recognized gradually, and you can make decisions based on your perception.

But now, I don't care about sincerity. Maybe I frame the attitude with a shallow understanding. It's like judging red flames as hotter than blue flames because you just learned about color temperature. Hidden intention is normal behavior.

I remembered what one of the Friday sermons said. "It is easy to be a good person because when you intend to do good things, you already get "pahala." However, you are not being a bad person just because you intend to do bad things, but rather because you do them.

You can interact with people, bringing tons of hidden intentions within your mind. But "action speaks louder,"  as long as you don't hurt people or execute your hidden bad intentions. You are a good person. You can have the wildest thing to imagine in your mind. But people judge you by your acts.

If sincerity means social interaction with no hidden intention, no one can see your sincerity through your mind but rather through your actions. Show it like you mean it. Through your actions, never treat people like tools. Those hidden intentions will be your secret ambition, and it is not a problem to have them, even bad ones, as long as you don't execute them.