One thing that I knew for sure was I wanted to marry early so I could drive my kids to school while I'm still look young. Was that pathetic? Or was it just so normal?
I never worried about anything before. I was just living, went to school and graduated, made friends and had fun, read and had conversations about many things with some selective people, enjoyed turning pages of sketchbooks in the library corner, amusing my eyes by that.
Then when things got rough, all of them were totally new experiences, and I was blind about what are those, I also didn't know how to reacted to those situations. I was confused and afraid to make decisions. Communication was the toughest thing at that time (perhaps still).
"What is this? Life was always on myside before." My brain couldn't accept it until I realized it wasn't about life or universe that always on my side. It's too huge compared to me and to think about it that way --and may I say, so arrogant. Who am I though?
So, it wasn't life, it wasn't universe,
Instead, it was a person who never stop cares and supports, even for each of little thing that I couldn't see (which is the heaviest part of caring and supporting).
WRONG AND RIGHT, PAST AND PRESENT
"Maybe I should do X first. After that, I can do Y freely." That is how I convinced myself back in the day. And the consequence of that was Y chasing after me all the time --in my head, every night before I went to sleep, every morning when I started working on X. And that kept me from focusing on X.
I denied my feeling a lot, abandoned myself for... I don't know what for. Yet the aim of what I do is always the same, whatever the path I choose, whether X or Y, I realized the answer never change even after years. So, yep.
X might seem more reachable because most of the supporting things to do it were visible and looks easier to set up. So, I was just, "okay, I can do this. I've got all the stuff on my plan. Let's just do this."
Then I felt, was it a real plan? Hope? Or arrogance? By being confident to do something without considering the main subject who will run that plan for ages. Which is myself. Such an irresponsible confidence.
Finally, I guess what people say is right. What is the meaning of doing something if your mind and heart are in another place?
THE MEANING OF FEELING 30
I'm going to live for 3 decades! (even I haven't reached 29 yet).
