Preliminary remarks:
- This passage is entirely based on my opinion and experience. It is neither a reliable source of knowledge nor an ideal model. So, please do not take it for granted. :)
- If you just happen to pass by, you're welcome to read it; maybe you can get something from it. And if by some miracle you can survive to the last sentence, please consider to write comments upon this. Any comment will be appreciated.
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WHEN REALITY BECOMES A PARADOX
Most of us don't really get what we want in life. All we do is just compromising the gap between the two realms. I am, however, fully aware that some people are lavishly gifted with the so called 'perfect life'. Or at least they think they are. While it may sound negative and unpopular, ask yourself a question. Are you one of those remarkable people? If you think you are, then you can stop reading this. This is not for you.
Part 1: Generic insight
I, normally, am a positive person, being a person of what everybody is expecting (I'd love to consider so). But every now and then, I had those periods of having gloomy mood that had got me to think of these thoughts. The thoughts that had me realized of how everybody (or almost everybody) is trying to impersonate his/her role in life and avoiding the hardest on looking depressive out of it. Aren't you? If you would search deeply and honestly answer the question, I really think I would come across plenty of 'yes' answers. Well, if so, congratulations..! It reflects that you are a perfectly normal and responsible person (if not to say ‘responsible grown up'). On the contrary, I would really be concerned if you had answered otherwise to my question. You are recommended to seek help in that case.
I do believe that many of us (I actually tend to say 'all of us') are not fully entitled to determine the course of our lives. There will always be ‘the Divine Intervention’, I would say. Mostly, all we mortals can do is simply making continuous adjustments to the given path and trying to score the highest we possibly can until an intersection comes along. Once we get there, we must wisely decide which path to take. Whatever the outcome is, no one has ever sincerely been satisfied with whatever achievements he/she had accomplished. Everyone is always in needing of others’ acknowledgements. You don’t believe me, do you? Let me explain it this way. If you join any forum, either actual or virtual, scheme your profile you’ve made on it and see if it seems like you are marketing yourself to others. When it does, then you will know that I was right all along. And what does that tell you? The justification is that you wouldn’t feel necessary to make the impressions you are trying to create if you really believe you already have your ‘perfect life’, would you? And I would not believe if someone claims not making positive impressions on the profile. That would sound quite a paradox.
So, what is the essence of all those jargon above? The point is that every one of us has a two-sided life. One is where we put our senses in reality, living our given paths and reaching our purposes or whatever valued to us; this refers more to the future. The other is where we lay our wilder dreams, imaginations, unfulfilled wishes, and sometimes the memory of the past. These future and past things don't often meet in an alignment, unfortunately, and, most of the time, are in the conflict of interests. That is exactly why we say life is always ironical, isn't it? But, what I'm trying to emphasize here is that we cannot neglect either side. Both are important.
Part 2: Two sides of a coin
“Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness ....” - William Shakespeare, ‘Twelfth Night’, (Act II, scene v)
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” - William Shakespeare, ‘Measure for Measure’, (Act I, scene iv)
Who dares to challenge the words of wisdom by my old friend above? Not anybody sane, I would suspect. Those quotes, of course, would be most appropriate for the primary side of our lives, the reality. Nevertheless, I’d like to lead our discussion more to the other side, the imaginary, since I believe everybody has been set by own values on his reality side.
In catering the needs of the second side, people have always managed to develop the channeling media. Later on in our discussion, I will share you my inconvenient experience that had got me in an awkward situation owing to my indifference on using one of the media. But, you’ll need to be informed the background first before we can get to that.
Just like everybody else, I also have two sides of life that I have to elegantly play. Let me take you the primary part first, my reality life.
I always love to consider that I am quite lucky, at least luckier than some people I know, in living my formal life (I do not speak on the aspect of prosperity, that I think is ‘on the eyes of the beholder’), or at least I always try to make that kind of impression. Having a socially respected career (although the words ‘socially respected’ don’t always come in a linear line with ‘glory’, if you know what I mean, but then again that is on the eyes of the beholder) and being surrounded by amazing people should’ve been adequate for me to be grateful upon my life. And, "I am grateful" is indeed the line I keep telling myself. It may sound a little exaggerating, but I believe telling myself that I am grateful is exactly what I am supposed to do. It helps me to believe I have successfully played my role as a responsible person.
But, does that mean I think I am having a perfect life? The answer is 'no'. In fact, I don't think any body would think that way. And even in my middle 30’s like now, I still need a domain where I can pretend to be someone I’d love to be, do activities that I couldn’t do in my formal life, and convey my true passions. However, needing a 'get away' does not mean I don’t value my real life either. I value my life. Very much. In fact, I would do anything required - at all costs - to retain and make improvements on my current life. That kind of attitude makes me feel I am still entwined with the sanity. Reality and imaginary just don’t mix, and having a situation where I should play two different roles requires a full streamed commitment and tons of hard works, apparently.
On the other hand, every person is naturally furnished with the needs of living in a dreamland where everything goes exactly according to the way it is expected. The place where we can freely express the other side of our life aspect, can become a person that we think is more environmentally acceptable, and can channel our non-accommodated interests. This is closely related to the work of our right section of the brain. In most cases, everybody has his/her own way to facilitate these needs. And as in my case, one of the channels is the virtual world, particularly the internet.
Part 3: The contradiction
The irony lies when your dreamland is, as in my case, a radically different world to your formal life. Within this world I once became a person what I would like to be without violating the boundary of formal codes in my reality life. At least that was what I felt in the first time I started playing. In the beginning, I really enjoyed the situation, as initially I used the virtual world exclusively for friends from my past or complete strangers. My favorite part was being anonymous and unlabeled by any of the predicates, so that I could represent my truly self. If you happen to know me in person, you may find there was barely any information that can link the person I was trying to impersonate in my virtual world to the person in reality, nothing, not until the last few months when I became more open. After some time of enjoying my playground, there was a mishap. I let a fragment from my reality enter my dreamland. Then, the rest was happening so quickly. And, by the time I realized, I was in a very peculiar position. Just like opening a Pandora’s Box, there was no safe exit!
Everything was totally different then. I couldn’t do anything without having the people in my real life notified. Everybody knew who I was, since I was forced to be open under the circumstance. So much for the privacy! At that moment, I didn’t really have many options but to play along and made some major adjustments towards the situation. Further more, I couldn’t take any radical action such as declining my reality to enter. That would be blasphemously absurd!! After some time of transforming, my virtual world had gradually become a part of my reality. Now, the reality has taken over the largest portion of it. And, the story ends tragically for my playground.
Actually, it would not have been really jeopardizing the things that I have committed to if I have had determined on keeping the existence of my imaginary realm anyway. And, if I did, the outcome wouldn’t be as dramatic as it sounds. In fact, nothing might have happened, since my dreamland wasn’t anything against the law or social value. It was only a boy’s playground, where I could be someone anonymous, which needed to be left as it was. But, the whole point is merely the ethical question. In the line of my profession, i.e., ethics have come into the top of priority. We live by codes and ethics, after all, don’t we?
And, as for me to fulfill the needs of my right section of the brain activity….? Well, I have many other places. Only this time I will not tell you…. :p
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Sunday, May 24, 2009
Just after midnight, 3 hours of musing, 2 cups of black coffee, and half a pack of cigarettes……
