"Love of Copper and Wire"

The sky is grey. Clouds hung heavy covering the sun, hiding the fact that it's only 3 P.M. My coat, scarf, and cap don't help much against the cold autumn wind. I guess it's my fault since it was I who decide to meet in this outdoor caf.

And yet the cold doesn't seem to bother him. My ex-boyfriend. He sits in front of me in his usual sweater and scarf. His name is Matthew Daniels. Or so he said. It's hard to believe what he said after what happened during our break up. But... something keeps bothered me about him. Intrigued me. And so I asked him out and we meet in this cold windy day.

"Still trying to find other wires?" he asked, smiling. Maybe I did stare. I can't help it. It's just too awkward.

"I can't find any. It's just too flawless," I make myself answer. He chuckle at my answer. I'm surprised he understands sarcasm. Or any humor for that matter. He is a robot. No, not figuratively. Literally.A T1000v1.2 humanoid android to be precise. That was what happened when we break up. He cut his finger trying to help me cook dinner. Instead of blood there was sparks from a cut wire. He saw my confusion and explained what happened to me. 

His face looked so pained then. So afraid, sad, and full of guilt. But after he finished his explanation it was hard to accept that whether he was even capable of those feelings. It was hard enough to even address him as 'he' instead of 'it.' That was 5 months ago. We never met since then. But my curiosity finally gets the better of me.

"It's been a while, Elyse. How are you?" he asked, still smiling. He seems to feel the tension and try to ease it. I decide to play along. It's hard to converse being this tense.

"Same old. Work. Busy. How about you though? Still not rounded up I see." It is a hard time for android. Ever since 'The Robot Revolution' 5 years ago authority has been rounding them up. Product withdrawal. Even though these robots claim to own free will and consciousness, in law's views they are still items, products. And a faulty one at that. But still, there are people holding rallies supporting 'robot rights.' Could inanimate object have rights? We are not even sure about animal rights and now we add a new problem. Personally I don't care though. The issue has never bothered me or my life. Until him that is.

"Yeah, the perfect design does help," he said, chuckling. He always had a good sense of humor. But now I really doubt that humor. Could a machine actually joke?

"I do appreciate you not ratting me out, though. I really do," he said again.

I'm not even sure why I do that. There's a bounty on androids. Reporting him to the authority would be rewarded with cash or a brand new personal assistant robot. On the contrary, American Robotic, Inc --the company that made him- threat to sue those who harbor any androids. If anyone is to report this meeting I could be sued. But I make myself say, "Yeah, don't sweat it."

Awkward silence prevails for a few minutes. It was only broken when a waitress come to take our order. I order for a cup of warm chocolate and he asks for warm mochaccino. When the waiter leave I ask, "Do you even need that coffee?"

"Not the way you would need your chocolate. But it does make me look more human. So it serves it purpose," he answered. "Is that why you asked to meet? Are you writing a story on android?"

It seems he decided to get to business. Let's go then. Let's take the cat out of the bag. "Yes and no. I'm not writing a story. I'm just curious about what you did to me."

"What did I do to you?"

"You lied to me. For four months."

For once his face loses his calmness and showed pained expression. As if I have physically hurt him. I wonder if I actually could.

"I am really sorry for that. I meant to tell you. Eventually. But I was afraid you would react like... this."

"I'm not talking about your identity. I guess as a robot it is logical to hide among humans for your survival. But manipulating my feeling? Telling me that you loved me? Can robot even do that? I'm not even sure about your apology just now. And you break the Laws of Robotics: you've hurt my feeling."

I surprise myself with how emotional I was. I thought after 5 months I could ask him calmly about this. I guess I was wrong.

Silence prevails again. I guess the wires and fiber optics in his central processing unit is firing up right now to figure out an answer. Again, the silence interrupted by the waitress. This time she brings us our drinks. I sip mine, grateful for the warmth it radiate, and he played with his cup, turning it around repeatedly. I don't know whether that was involuntary tic under anxiety or a planned action to maintain his human cover.

After a while he opens his mouth and slowly said, "But I didn't lie."

I guess I don't have to explain that I don't believe that answer. That could be false. Another attempt to hide his status as an android in a world that hate and fear his kind. But I'm still trying to control my emotion. So, instead of assaulting him with a barrage of my argument I said: "Explain. Please."

He took a deep breath and sigh (does he really need to do that?), and, instead of explaining, he asked, "Are you with those people who think us of inanimate object? No different than a calculator?"

"A very smart talking calculator, yes. After all your brain is just a tangle of wire and fiber optics," I answered. He winced when I said that. An expression of pain that, again, I doubt.

 "What's the difference than your brain then?" he asked. "The only difference is your cables are made up by organic matters and called neurons. But your thoughts and emotioncome from the same process that produces mine."

 I knew he would say that. I try to remember what I hear from those robot rights rallies. I remember they shout a similar idea. Android have free will and emotions. But I also remember one American Robotic representative said that those things are merely a simulation.Just like the city I built in Sim City 5 was not real so does their 'emotion.' And I said that to him, "Those things are just simulation. They are not real, Matt."

He did not wince this time but something in his deep brown eyes look pained. Somehow his synthetic eye could do that. American Robotic really did their homework.

"Simulation it intended to be, but if you can't tell the difference why does it matter?," he asked. "I assure you: this emotion is as real as yours. I loved you and, as a matter of fact, I still do."

That takes me aback. He still dares to lie to me after I confront him.

Or... does he?

Lying to me about this nowserve him no purpose. I know he is an android. He doesn't need to maintain his cover in front of me. So I decide to humor his claim out of curiosity and said, "You're a robot. That mean you're just a simulation of life made out of wires. Even your personality is just a simulation made by software your programmers put in you."

There is desperation in his eyes. He really wants to convince me. Although I cannot fathom the reason why.

"Even then I am not so different from you," he begins saying. "Your wire, the things you called neurons, work by electric conduction. No different from my wires. In the synapses a neuron sends a message to its neighboring neurons. The massage is either excitatory or inhibitory. That's just how neuroscientist called something that's coded as 1 and 0 in binary. So basically your brain works on binary. The same basic code that made up my software."

"Those things may help you simulate reasons," I try to argue. "But feeling is much more complex than that. It is not simply a yes or no question. It's not even a simple 'if-then' logic. The simplest of emotions is still more complex than logic."

For some reason this discussion has a different purpose now. At first I just want a closure. A simple satisfaction by knowing that this thing has manipulated me just to save his own hide from the authorities. But somehow he is so convinced, sincerely convince, that he is a person. He believed that he is equal, if not same as, human beings. I feel like talking to Pinocchio.

"True, my software is just a collection of simple 'if-then' logic. But are human thought so different? You just try to figure out consequences of the multitude of choices that you have to take in life. And from those choices figure out the best one to pick. So does how your emotions work. A simple 'if-then' logic. If you're threatened you'll feel afraid. If you lost something then you'll feel sad. If you're hurt... then you'll feel angry. What you call a personality is just a juxtaposition of millions of 'if-then' logic processing in your brain. Not so different than what happened with my software in my CPU, no?"

Am I crazy? Or his words started to really make sense? I remain silent and take a sip of the hot chocolate in my hand, hoping it could help me think. It no longer hot however, just warm. And then, slowly, I start to say, "Even if all you said is true... that couldn't apply to love can it? Love is the most complex of emotion. In fact it defies logic. It requires self-sacrifice, the most illogical act in existence. A machine can't possibly simulate love."

He smiles and begin explaining, "First of all it's not a simulation, Elyse. It's real. I loved you and still do. And yes, me, a machine, could feel love. I know my programmer couldn't intentionally program me to love. They're the ones caught most off guard when we discover we could feel. But I do feel love.

"I couldn't explain it. I couldn't found logical explanation of what I feel about you. I know it must be based on logical reasoning, after all my feelings generate from juxtaposition of protocols in my software. There must be millions of protocols interacting with each other that create this feeling. My CPU could only do so much to identify the result. It couldn't identify the process. But out of this swarm of logical protocol come this feeling: love. For you. And that was real. It still is.

"I may have lied about who I am or where I come from. But this feeling is real. All of those things that I did for you was real. It was not a lie. I did not try to manipulate you. It was not practical. I could hide better by not meeting people, no? But I just feel that I need to be with you, to be close around you and make you happy. And I couldn't explain why that is."

At the end of his explanation I'm really out of idea, out of arguments. He is really convinced that he loved me. That what he did and said was real. Real actions based on real emotion.

I try so hard to find answers. I rack my mind for it. But right now my mind is divided. At one side what he said so far make sense. But I still couldn't accept that he is a person. He is a robot, inanimate bundle of wires and steel. He couldn't be human. And if he's not human then he couldn't love, right?

I don't know how long I've remained silent. My chocolate is no longer warm. The sun started to peek from behind the cloud. And his face changed. When he finished explaining it showed anxiety, hope. Now it only showed sadness.

"I had hoped... that you'd be different," he finally said. "That you'd understand and accept that we can achieve love through different means, different mechanism, and the end result would still be the same. I believed that we could love each other while being different. It seems I was wrong."

With that he stand up, paid his bill and leave.

I was still too deep in thought to respond to that.

Maybe I missed his point? He did not want acknowledgment of equality, that he is human. He merely want acknowledgement for his feeling. For me to accept and, perhaps, reciprocate for what he feel regardless of who, or what, he is. Instances of our relationship float through my mind. The dates. His jokes. Moments we spent and enjoy. The way he made me laugh. I remember how shy he seems when he first says he loved me. Those don't seems fake, or rehearsed. It seemed real. It feltreal.

Could love actually come through different means for different person? Could reasons to love be different? Could reasons and logic breed love? 

Is something still fake if it feels real?

I need answers.

So I stand up and run to the direction he took. I look around for his blue sweater and brown hair. But he is nowhere to be found. I'm alone to figure it out.