Memories by Conan GrayÂ
(The letter that I cannot give to him because I am a coward)
"Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else." Says Sarah Cross in the book Kill Me Softly. Like the title of the book, it really kills me softly after I decided that I like you. I never imagined that it is going to be this hurt for just liking you. I cannot even comprehend how and why. The memories of me liking you was bittersweet. It started off good, but you realized that I like you and I am not the type of girls you like. So, after that you started avoiding me like you do not want anything to do with me. And not gonna lie, it hurt my tiny little heart. Like something is trying to rip my heart away. Too much? Yes, I know but that is just how I felt.
Maybe I was destined to always fall for people who I could not have. But this time, it was different. You are different. I do not know how to explain the feeling that I felt when I see you smile. Your creasing eyes when you smile, your gummy smile that could make me faint, your infectious laugh, your doe eyes, the way you think, your perspective on something, the way you talk, the time you decided to carry the whole team at civics last group project, the way you tolerate me. Dude, you make me fall like falling in love with you so deep into the abyss.Â
Your attitude is sometimes trash but why I cannot fall out of love from you? If I just like you from your visual or smart brain, I will and would already moving on by now because of your behaviour that I am not used to. So how and why did I still like you? I still ask myself that now. Even when I know you despise me, my heart calls your name.
I cannot relate to you. I will never relate to you. We are from a different world. Our hobbies, our liking, our preferences are different. We are different. But I always ignore that differences. I turn a blind eye for you. I bite more than I can chew. And look at me now. I am writing a letter for a guy who despise me. Is this what I wanted? Is this what I fight for after all this time? NO. Is this your fault? Of course, no. you do not have the responsibility to like me back. It is not your duty. There is an ocean of silence between us, and I cannot swim. I am lost in my own feeling. I hate the fact that I like you and cannot do anything about it. Â Â Â Â Â
You are going to Sydney now for University and I am here still thinking there is still a chance for us. But do you know what is the saddest thing is? No, it is not you leave Indonesia or leaving me and our or my memories with you back here. The saddest thing is you are going to forget me. You are going to forget this "friend" of yours because I am just like a minute for you, but you are my high school. You are my senior memories. My last year of high school was filled with you. Out of my little crushes in high school, you are the one who I cherished a lot. The memories of me liking you will probably be told to my kids or our kids. See, I am still delusional.
Shannon L. Alder said, "There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it." You leave for Sydney is the sign that I need to turn my page, write another love story, or simply end my high school love story because we already graduated. I will not stop liking you until I am tired. And I know I will be tired but not now. I still want to savour every bit of you that left in me. I am still loving the ideas of you, the good memories of us. Because what is worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it (James Patterson, The Angel Experiment). Like I said in the letter that I give to you, meeting you was dream but now I need to wake up. See you, my LSD.
- Charm,2023
