It was the year 2005, I was fifteen years-old the first time it happened. I woke up in a hospital, surrounded by my parents, my relatives, and even my estranged older brother. I was not fully conscious yet, but I knew why I was there. I was brought to the hospital because the day before I committed a suicide attempt.
It did not just happen out of nowhere, the question was really “when is it going to happen?” I just thought I would have never had the balls to actually go through with it. I started developing a habit of self-hurt a couple of years prior to the event in the form of self-mutilation, usually on parts of the body that can be easily covered, such as arms and thighs. Self-mutilation for me was a coping mechanism. It provided me with temporary reliefs. Also, in my head, all the pain that I was experiencing within myself was embodied, it took form as bleeding scars, I could see my arms bleed, I was not imagining it, thus the pain that I was feeling was real, it was not only in my head.
Years went by without me getting a proper treatment for the condition that I have, I didn’t even know what to call it at the time, I simply identify it as depression. At the time, I thought to myself, “Hey, everyone’s got a problem, right? Why make a fuss?” It did not hit me until my early twenties that I should probably go seek professional help. The challenge was convincing myself that I do need professional help and of course, seeking support from others such as family and friends.
After asking around about where I should go for professional help, I decided to go to a private hospital in South Jakarta that was recommended to me by several people who have gone there. Another problem was, since I was only a student who does part-time job, it took time for me to collect enough money. It was even harder when your family could not provide assistance for various reasons including not believing that you need professional help.
I was already under professional treatment and medication when I committed another suicide attempt. My method this time: drug-overdose. I took all the pills prescribed to me by my psychiatrist. This time I felt the need to apologize to those who are closest to me at the time. I sent a text to my closest friends saying that I am sorry for being such disappointment, and that I simply want to give up. I woke up in the emergency room of a hospital not far from my indekost, my mother, father, and a friend were there.
It took me a couple of years, different psychiatrists and psychologists with various treatment approaches until I finally found the one that “suited” me and my limitations. After different analysis and diagnosis, from Major Depression to Borderline Personality Disorder, it was concluded that what I suffer is formally known as Bipolar Disorder.
I am not interested in dwelling over the proper definition of what Bipolar Disorder is, you can look it up yourself, nor am I interested in writing a sad-full-of-drama-oh-my-life-is-so-miserable sort of story to get anyone’s sympathy. I will, however, try to share the facts that I know so that maybe you can help yourselves or people who are close to you even in the darkest of time.
Question 1: How do I know that I need professional mental help?
If at some point in your life you have ever asked yourself, “Do I need to see a shrink?” or “Do I need mental help?”, then honey, you probably should. The one thing I found extremely difficult was to admit that I have a problem. And trust me, being in denial really doesn’t get you anywhere.
Question 2: Are there symptoms?
Yes, there are symptoms. Our society is still having troubles in perceiving mental disorders just like any other physical disorders, thus it is often challenging for us to not underestimate its symptoms. On the other hand, some people tend to playing it fast and loose with some of its terminology. Some of the most obvious symptoms are: you cannot function on a day-to-day basis or having a difficult time coping with life in general, you experience extreme mood swings, you feel helpless or hopeless most of the time, you feel anxious in various situations or worry a lot, you turn to alcohol, street drugs, other substances, or damaging activities to make yourself “numb”, you have irrational fears that interfere with your life (such as the fear of people following you, etc.), you have an unusual and troubled relationship with food and eating, and of course, you are contemplating suicide. These are not the only symptoms, but they cover a broad range of potential signs of mental illness.
