husband: nothing
wife:why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ?
husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
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There is a husband and a wife and they decided to get a shower so while they are in the shower they here a knock on the door so the wife says ill go get it and puts on a towl and goes downstairs and opens the door to find there neighbor and the neigbor notices that she is in a towl and say wow you look amazing in that towel susan and she says thanks and then he says ill tell you what i will give you 100 dollars right now if you flash me really quick and of corse susan said no so he decide to up the anti any pull out 500 dollars and says i will give you 500 dollars right now if you give me a 5 second flash so susan looks around to make sure there is no one looking and flashes him grabs the money and go back to her sower. When she got in the shower her husband ask who was there and she says ohh it was tom our neighbor i dont even know what he wanted and then her husban says well maybe he wanted to give me back that 500 dollars that i loand him…
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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place `theprison' and call my private thing `the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Peter."
"Peter! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now." Hahahaha…
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At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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"Dad, I was away for a few days. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife telling her that I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife was in another man's arms. Why? Dad, tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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A husband visited a marriage counselor and complaint, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service!"
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A wife , one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to.", replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill." What a brilliant idea!
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hahahahaaa.....
