I have something to tell you, some thing really bad. I hope we can meet this weekend, you know, having a cup of coffee or a sleepover. I feel kinda lost when I’m alone, my minds is so fucked up, I’m totally fucked up, babe. Maybe I’ll tell you the main plot of this mess first, in case I would cry so hard until I couldn’t speak in front of you.
I should’ve heard you from the beginning, perhaps. But this is the risk from what I chose before, I knew it back then, but still, it’s so difficult to bear.
Yes my dear friend, your girl has just been dumped.
I tried to think about all the bad things he did to me and told myself ‘he doesn’t worth it, it’s good that now you’re separate’ but it doesn’t work. I still want him anyhow, even with his bad sides. That’s the worst part I’m trough right now.
Let me tell you how it began.
You know that I wrote the e-mail for Felize, don’t you? And she replied me, you know that part too. The things between me and her were done, it wasn’t me who acted like s psycho-girlfriend, it wasn’t her who became real rock-headed, it was Gray and all the fucking falling in love things -you know, the theory that love just fall between people, whoever they are, and they can’t resist it. It was beautiful theory actually, if it didn’t happen this way to me. And then me and Felize had a lot of chats, we started to messenger-ing and text messaging and others, we restored our contacts. Guess what? All the jerky attitudes were revealed. It just happened like ‘So hows you and Grey?’ ‘Oh, I’m okay, he still ignores me tough. But at least I had this lovers nickname again, like honey and bla bla’ ‘He’s calling you honey? He just promised me not to act like lovers again to you, sorry but, he did said it.’ Then it continued to the topics like; what he told you about his dark pasts, what he did when we argue -Gray was sweet to me when he had argue with Felize, and so is the opposite tough the opposite happened the most- or what he said about me and other stuffs.
I coudn’t believe he did those things and ends up blaming me! okay, we’re gonna talk about that blaming part later. Let’s go on the plot.
One night I told Felize, this must stop. I mean, I was glad making up with Felize again, and Gray also was less-jerk, but still it hurts when I know that he’s doing the same lovey-dovey things with my friend when I wasn’t around. I said to her, let’s put an end to this, let him know that we know. And she agreed me.
The problem was, she surely became a lot more agressive about that. (She told me this while apologizing, you’ll know soon why she apologized.) She just popped up the question like ‘why do you still having that kinda lovers thing with Patience? You promised me before and bla bla’ and of course since Felize did know how he treated me, Gray couldn’t say a thing. He let her spoke a log speech full or anger, and said to her it was his fault and that kinda guilty things. He asked Felize, what I said to her until she can did that, Felize said nothing. It was only a girl-to-girl chat, she said. But you know of course, Gray isn’t the type of guy who is satisfied with that answer, and since he couldn’t say anything against Felize, he assumed that I was the one poisoning Felize’s mind.
And so, before I even reach him on the messenger (I was waiting him to go online that night) he sent me an e-mail. A really bad e-mail that threaten me, offensing me, and also dumping me out of his life.
Even on my last point of this relationship, I still don’t get my honour back, not even the real-girlfriend honour. I was just like a piece of trash, kicked here and there and finally dumped in a very bad way. No one cares about how I feel, it never even matters. Maybe I should’ve walked away on the first place, when I realized that I lost to her. A piece of trash can never ever be compared to the dream-girl.
I want to talk to him, Marine, I need to get things straight. This isn’t my fault!
And even Gray and Felize make up again!
But how? I’m just so powerless, and I’m scared.
I’m scared of his threat, I’m scared of any other heartache, I’m scared of being hated.
This is humiliating, I’ve never been this stupid in my life. But at least I want to be stupid-straight.
Oh I don’t know, Marine. Like i told you before, I’m sooo fucked up.
And I just found out an annoying fact. Why do I have to be named Patience? I’m tired of being on the patient side. I want to sit down, making ignorance, or waiting for ‘the right time God let us talk nicely again’, or just acting like a big jerk whom never be blamed. Because at last, the patient I’ve been working so hard, the pride I swallowed only to make things get better, they just stabbing me from the back again, and I’m even more deceived.
Just call me catwoman or anything instead of Patience, will you?
So I’ll see you on the weekend?
Maybe a sleepover is better, because I can’t show my ugly crying face in front of people in the coffee shop. Sorry for bothering you, but at least I need to dry up my tears in front of a human being because my room wall is probably fed up with it.
Don’t worry, as you always tell me that I’m strong, I won’t have any suicide. At least not until I met you, babe.
Your bestfriend,
Catwoman, perhaps. (You should search for any good nickname for me, seriously, I don’t want to be calles Patience again, it sucks.)
