Lately, I have an ultimate zest to learn history. Reading and watching some fictions stuff about World Wars, I come with some question, is that incredibly correct? Then, it seems that history is something moving. It is 'former' thing, however, what is left in our mind about it, has been living with us in differently unique impressions. It could be very personal and some parts are appreciated to be collective. Is history that I know and I get from schools is a doctrine? Is that the same as religion? Is that a rebel, or am I an apostate if I doubt it? It's known that history is very subjective. It's made and crafted and delivered in some hot pepper taste and certain intentions by the authority owner. When I was a child, I listened much about my family history, and sometimes I am proud, and sometimes it can be retold to my grand-generation. Then when I grew up to be more critical, I think, what ever came to my ears is more like a DEFENSE, and the expression that WE ARE NOT THAT PATHETIC as what you think or see, now. I questioned the authority owner. When I read my journal, my life history, I got the same angle. Gee! Let me try to see myself as outsider. Saying HE instead of I, and saying 'his will' instead of 'my passion', saying 'he wanted it badly' instead of 'I cried for it'. Again, those two ways are hardly to be similar, and both ways will conduct me to different motives. I don't want it sounds boastful, I want sound modest, a bit. Yeah yeah yeah... it's me. Then when I watch or read book containing world history, the first questions is "Who is the writer or movie maker? Is that Hollywood? Jews? Conservative Moslem?" Yeah yeah yeah... that's them! This fact makes me to try having an awareness for being neutral - possible?- in telling story and in the same time set a minimization of feeling awkward about my own self. This indirectly sharpens my sensitivity about how people tell hiSTORY to find out what they want. Everybody and thing normally want to be good, and to be unbearable also want to be the super best of the bests and the grand top of the tops, the ultra most favorite of the most favorites. If not, let's check, what they hide behind the modesty. Are they sick or too weak? Hmmmm... Am I too smart and get trapped in prejudice, then? Can I feel better without seeing people worse than me? Can I think that I have a right to do, by ignoring that probably people mind. It is almost impossible. Even, sometimes I feel like a refugee. Sometimes it is like to join an allied for surviving. I need lie or pretend to be lost just to keep being safe. "Yes, I like to do. Sure it is HOT! Are you out of your mind, Mom? I'm in! I love to! Yes, fucking good!" Or... "What? Pardon me! Yeah... I am lost... totally."
