For as long as I remember, every time I lay on my bed at the end of the day, I always spend my waking minutes prior to fall asleep to recollect my day. It's a habit that have been building inside me for so long. I don't fall asleep easily, even in my own bed. Like a kaleidoscope, right after I close my eyes, everything that has happened that day would automatically be going through in my head.
And sometimes one particular incident makes me wide-eyed in the dark, stops me from thinking about everything else. Â The moment will vividly uncover in front of me like a movie, again and again. I cannot sleep.
Like today's event.
The day started as usual. I woke up when the alarm went off, prepared to work, drove to office, got a cup of coffee at the pantry, working, making reports, sending and replying to emails, then going outside to have lunch. And there I saw him. The food court at a nearby mall was pretty crowded as always during lunch time. I was sitting on a table by the window, waiting for my lunch buddies, when I saw the guy I knew from college years entered the room. His eyes searched the room for a vacant table and suddenly his eyes met mine. Then he smiled and waved and walked towards me. I was surprised but forced my face to smile and stood. He didn't extend his hand, he hugged me instead.Â
He HUGGED me!Â
He held me a bit too long, at least that's what I felt. And I hate myself for loving it.Â
The memories of the past came to surface uninvited. He was a popular guy in our campus while I was the opposite. I immediately got attracted to him first time I saw him in a class we attended together. He was smart and good looking. But it's his charm that got me, just like it did to plenty girls. Then there was a period that I can safely say we had a thing. Friends called us couple, but it ended just a few months, six months or so. I think it was my insecurity that cause the breakup. He was Mr. Popular and everywhere he went he always swarmed by girls. I could not stand it.
I sighed in the dark. How long was it? 10 years? One big reason I never went to reunion was him. After graduation I cut all my connection with my college friends. I moved from my hometown in Jogja and started to work in Surabaya. After few years I decided to change my number so no one could contact me. It was not easy at first but with time I finally moved on and put the past behind.Â
I can still feel the warmth of my cheek when he held me earlier today. He looked so excited to see an old classmate from college here in Balikpapan, my home for 4 years now. While me, I don't want the ghost of the past sitting in front of me. He ended having lunch with me and my office buddies. He was still easy going and got along with new company easily. I toyed with my food and stole a glance at his fingers. He did not wear any ring.Â
When we said goodbye he kissed my cheeks, and it almost brushed the corner of my lips. Oh gosh. Â
In the dark, the door of my room quietly opens. I close my eyes and pretending to be asleep. My husband enters the room and moves about quietly, then lays down beside me. He turns to face me and circles his arm around my body. I snuggle closer to him and chase away the shadows of old fling from my mind.Â
This is my universe now, my loving faithful husband, my safe haven.
