I arrived around 4 a.m which is already 8 a.m in Indonesia. Two hours later when the tiredness from my trip was gone, I immediately call my father about what my aunt said. While waiting my dad to answer the call, these thoughts keep showing up that I'm hoping what my aunt said wasn't true, hoping my father remembered the reason his only daughter had resigned from his job, hoping I don't have to go back to Indonesia after decades of not coming back, I hope I don't have to witness all the sadism that happened before my eyes in 1998, I hope I don't have to experience what my aunt went through at that time, I hope I don't have to go through those days where to see the people I care about experience terrible things and fight against the pain that has scarred for years. Sounds exaggerated, maybe. How can a sentence whose truth is not known for sure bring up thoughts that are very far away from what is feared to happen again. That's how deeply the 1998 incident impacted my family, as citizens of Chinese descent who were not only discriminated against, but also brutally murdered.
"Halo, Merry what's going on?"
"Pi, I heard something from aunty when I visited her as you requested, is that true?" I said hopefully the answer wasn't true, biting my fingernails.
"Have you visited your ai? Is your aunt okay?" my father answered very calmly
"God, I haven't even told you yet, sorry I was thinking too much about what auntie said about your business," hearing my father's very calm reply made me realize how messed up my mind had been since my aunt told me about my father's plans. "Yeah, he's very good, he's even better than usual." I didn't tell my father about my aunt who had started to forget the past and was more open about identity, because I thought it was my aunt's problem that my father should know directly from her.
"Thank God, that's all I need to hear," my father sounds very relieved, then he continued his sentence. "Merry, since you have heard from your ai, then I will tell you now. It is true what your aunt said that I need you to continue our business in Indonesia." He said and he explained that it was impossible for our family business which was in Indonesia to be handed over to other hands, that I was the only heir he could rely on and give to continue his business which had been built for more than thirty years while fighting under difficult circumstances.
When I heard this, my mind became more and more chaotic and could not be controlled. The thing that makes me more flustered and become emotional is my father even forgetting my biggest wish in life to travel the world which I should be able to do without any prohibition from anyone because this is my wish, and this is my life, only if I want to be selfish. I'm just speechless. I didn't feel my tears fall.
"Merry, I'm sorry. I thought that raising you away from a place that was once a very dangerous place for us and a place where you and your aunt were traumatized was the right thing I could do to keep you both safe. However, after I hearing that you're actually going to travel the world and even give up your job, I get really scared." My dad sounded really worried.
"What is it, pi??? What are you afraid of? I really don't understand the way you think." I cut in wonder at what was on my father's mind.
"Merry, the incident that we experienced twenty-four years ago is quite a foundation for me to continue to monitor and make sure my family is okay and away from the possibility for something like that to happen again. I don't know the wide world you want to be around this. Only Australia, Indonesia and China I can trust as countries for you to visit long and freely, for now." My father's tone became increasingly anxious.
Hearing that word, I didn't understand even more, I didn't expect that it was as if my father had locked me within his reach. Yes, I did feel trapped a few times, but I only saw it as a feeling of boredom against my desire to be able to realize my dream of traveling the world as soon as possible. While continuing to shake my head, I couldn't believe what my father was thinking. How can he see the world with such narrow glasses? How? I tried to calm my head and think clearly about what was really going on with my father's mind, but I couldn't. I'm out of words.
