Under Two States of Mind: Reconstruction of Identity and the Arising Conflicts

Being in a collectivist society also means that other people's (your friends' and your extended family's) happiness matters much for you. For every act, you need to consider them -- you cannot really think about your own happiness. As much as I want to be happy, I have to please the people around me too. And most of the time it is not possible to do both.

• Uncertainty avoidance and long term orientation

I used to much prefer a fixed schedule and I lived my days following a particular same order. I didn't like uncertainty; I fancy security. I got annoyed when people said "we'll see" or "let's take a rain check". But then I met a lot of 'easy going' people when I was abroad. I learned not to worry too much, although I still do now. I guess this is the only thing I haven't really changed. However, sometimes I tell my Indonesian fellows "I'll let you know" and they easily get upset when I do so.

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Right until this point I am still hampered by the two confronting systems and values within me. In my homeland I am sometimes forced to behave in certain ways, to meet the standards and expectation set by the society. The other voice tells me to revolt. But as much as I want to resist, I look at the faces here, people around me. "I belong here", or "do I belong here?" The two of them keep chanting in my mind. And as much as I want to fight, the song of the prayer from the prayer house or the traditional music that accompanies ondel-ondel show (a form of folk performance using large puppets in Jakarta) kindly reminds me that this is part of my identity. Still, I am left baffled. Yet I realize that the whole lessons I learned from my childhood and from my experience abroad have enriched my life and have shaped a new identity of what I am now.