I was mentioning about my status as single person with lots of stories about person that I like just like every single day. I made it as a joke yet complain to myself why none of my ‘target’ realizing about my feeling. I forgot about any other things (unless my study and my career) which eventually might give me more meaning of life rather than being in relationship.
I realize that mentioning about my singleness was not moving me anywhere but feeling misery and less self-esteem. Especially when it comes to family and society where I came from which always creating the stereotype of perfect woman with having a spouse in their twenties. It is indeed stressing me out and sometime make me insane.
Some people who are in the same boat with me usually either desperate or just the same with me make it as a joke. But I believe some of those joker person, deep down in their heart they found an emptiness in their daily life. I bet none of people want to be aging alone.
However, I just realize that life is a choice. A choice to let it go, to pursue things, to settle down, or to choose whatever chances that approach us. Once we choose something we need to realize there will be such risk behind that choice. In my case, I choose to back to school.
Some people said that back to school doesn’t mean stay single. You can be in relationship and still go to school. Well I don’t know then. The fact that I have not meet ‘the right one’ is inevitable and I just don’t want to force myself to be in relationship anyway. I did lots of trial to be there by doing on line dating, frankly confessing to the one that I adore, or just coding some people. However, in fact that pursuing something related to people feeling and in my case is just one side effort to make it worked was in deed tiring. Thus, I decide to let it flow and manage my own life.
Once I decide to change my focus, I realize that lots of things happen positively. Things that make me happy inside not because I consider myself as ‘normal’ based on people standard of happiness, but more like enjoying things that I decide myself without considering special other decision. Yup, as a woman, when I was in relationship, I was kind of submissive spouse which always ask whether or not my partner happy if I did such things or what things that made them happy I always tried to make it worked for me. Although it didn’t really fit to my personality like wearing high hills to make me look taller, talk softer to look more elegant, stop laughing just because it is not reflecting Javanese woman, or even eating junk food to make me chubbier and more things which shading the real Wuri.
It was insane I know. I was thinking that it was my sincere love to them. I thought that fall in love means sacrificing all things to make the person we love happy. But now I realize I deserve to be happy too. The fact that happiness is echoing make me realize that happy spouse will give happier live than non-happy one. Just like people who always prefer to have happy friends then the suicidal one. Thus, I decide to focus on myself before I start new relationship.
After I decide to be more focus on myself, I realize that I miss lots of chance to be happy. I realize that happiness is simple when we embrace it, being more aware with things around and grateful for all we have. I realize that a bowl of instant noodle in winter is super awesome just like having a new pair of shoes. Instead of thinking how to impress other people, I realize that showing our positive impression towards people make them happy, and again their happiness is echoing, we can feel the positive atmosphere.
The other thing that I found interesting is I start to have a hobby. Well not a hobby yet but more like exploring stuff that I never did before and make it daily routine. When I was in relationship, I wasted my time to chat with my boyfriend like every single second. If we had problem which likely he would blame me, I wasted my time to cry and blame myself. I never thought that I would have hobby before. I considered reading as an activity to wait for his message which made me not quite enjoying it. I found movie as a logical reason to cry which made me enjoying such cheese love story genre (well it’s about taste anyway. I still enjoy cheese movie though and nothing wrong with that lol) only to make myself crying. And I made cooking as the basic activity to survive. I slept a lot because in my dream I feel a better world to live and to feel love. I never thought that those activities can be enjoyed sincerely just for me. I can create my own real world as wonderful as my dream.
Now, when I decide to be the real single happy lady, I started to explore something I never did before like dancing, exercising, volunteering, and writing. I am still trying to make it my daily routine and see whether I can enjoy it after 21 days of trial still, or it just a flash light in my life, I still do not know about that. I give myself 21 days to try because I realize that any goal need deadline. 21 days is more than enough time for us to make something as a habit or to realize that something just not work for me. Thus, I find those activities are not interesting anymore, I can explore other activity that perhaps more fun like travelling for example or learning zero waste lifestyle which actually quite challenging for me. Exploring lots of things sound possible now, because I am single and I am happy.
If you have any comment or perhaps ritual of happiness that you want to share with me, please kindly comment here. I am really curious with what people do to reach their inner peace and kindly share it to me. I do appreciate any comments, critics, responses and recommendations you all give to me.