I am Jessica, I love rain. I love sitting next to the window because I can see everything happen outside through the glass. When I see the rain, it seems like recalling my old memories and let them playing like a movie without sound in my mind. I love this kind of feeling. Rain brings my heart away, with all of the loneliness.
This is the twenty eight days after I decide to quit from him, his life. I know I can fool the world with my mask, but I know that I cannot fool my heart. He is my fiancé; we have been together for many years. We met at the elementary school and we have been separated also, long time ago. When he was back here, I found the pieces of me. I could see the wonderful love of live. Then two years after our reunion, we decide to be a couple. Everything went well, happiness and sadness, laugh and sorrow. Those melt together, and that was our strength.
On the third year, he purposes me to be his wife. I was happy, but also sad. I found me in him, I can be myself when I was with him, and he made me complete. On the other hand, my heart was torn in two. It might be not fair for him, but I didn’t know how it came to me.
“Jessica, will you be my friend in a house where our children and grandchild were together?” Eric was holding my hand and showing me that ring.
I really don’t know what to say. I love him, I do love him, but my heart feels plain.
“Mmm… Can I tell you the answer later on?”
“No, please… Don’t refuse please, I will never ask you for the twice. Please, Jess, I do love you.”
When I see into his eyes, I know that he is honest to me; I know that he really loves me, deeply. So do I, I do the same.
“Well, Eric, listen to me, I love you too. I really love you, but I can’t accept all of this.”
“Why, Jess? Tell me, honey.”
“I don’t know why, but I don’t want to hurt you, our family. I want you to choose another woman, and live happily. I’ll be here to support you, as a friend, just like those old times.”
“Why? You are my spirit; you are the one that I loved. I want you to be mine.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I cannot tell it to him, it is so disappointed. I am afraid to hurt him, to lose him. On the other hand, if I don’t tell him the truth, I will hurt him more, it is a fool.
“Jessica, is there anyone who took my place in your heart?” He whispered.
It is the time! It is the time! My soul is shouting. I cannot say anything. I think there is a fat crocodile in my throat. Oh my God, I want to make it over!
“I want to go, Eric. I cannot be here longer. I know it is not true, but I have to. It may be hard for you, for me too.”
“What do you mean, Jess? I cannot understand you.”
“Eric, I am so sorry to tell it to you. You know I love you, but I cannot be together with you anymore.” I take a deep breath and continue my explanation. “He brought my heart away, that’s why I cannot be with you anymore. I am not as good as what it supposed to be. I do love you, Eric, but I love him too. I cannot choose which one I have to live with. If I choose you, I fool you and it will hurt you. It will hurt me too, because I do love him also.”
He is staring straight at me. He is angry and I know it. I keep myself as calm as I can.
“You may not believe it, me too. But this is the reality.”
“Oh, what do you seek from that guy? Am I not enough? I gave you everything you want, and now you want to walk away from me? You must be joking!”
“I am sorry, really sorry. Please…” I cannot say any words. I don’t want it happen. What can I do is cry, just crying.
Ya, I remember all of them, those many times, many years, but this is my decision, I don’t want to hurt anyone.
It was my fault, I know. I am not blaming anyone. We can’t choose with whom we have to fall in love, but love will choose us and the person. It is automatically, right?
That was my story with my ex-fiancé, Eric.
And the man whom I love, another Eric is Marco. I am married neither Eric nor Marco. They are my past memories. I heard that Eric is married and they live in New Zealand, while Marco is continue his pilot study in Russia. Sometimes I still miss them. They are the part of my life. They have helped me to be mature, to be dared to choose everything I really want. Marco said to me that love will find its own way. Thank you, guys.