Going Mad Maybe

Night of pouring rain. Your city lights are blinding. I stop by the drive thru for a coffee. Then drive again through the windy street. I never been in this city. I don’t know what’ve been thinking. I just missed you suddenly. Then I thought I have to do something. So I packed my things, grab my keys and here I am.

I never know where you live is. I never asked. Even though I know, it’s not where I’m headed now. I just come to your city for the old time sake. Just to try to remember your smile, your smell, and your ridiculous smooch.

We used to do something crazy, or stupid maybe. Sat on a park’s chair, watching the sun go down. Sometimes you took me to dinner. Some other time you just drive me home. We never watching movie again, because you hate Hollywood since Jurasic Park being sequeled. I had to sneak with my girlfriend for a piece of Twilight Saga. Felt like cheating.

You took me to the art performance once for alternative date. And what its showing there made me shocked. There, on the stage –or maybe they called it’s a runway. A male artist performed some kind of a show, a parody about political condition. He made himself as a model and walked naked. He said it represent politician’s habit that they don’t ashamed to do everything dirty. You told me it’s a good perform, and I said it’s crazy. I wonder where the extremist is, is nobody even know about that show?

And there was a day we went to the public library. We chose books and you chose to kiss me in that corridor. You pretended to take a book. Then your lips touched my ear. Light as an air so that I was not so sure that it is you who kissed me. Or it was just a wind. But I was damn pretty sure that I saw a smile in your eyes.

Then you were gone for a while. You said you had to make everything balance. We spent our time together, then need some space of our life just to make sure we missed each other. Then you can come again when my heart was already blow out. That is you. Come and go.

It was Friday afternoon when we met in a coffee shop. You late for almost one hour that you never did that before. I just asked for one more coffee and thinking to take some cheesy cake or apple pie when you walked through the door. I –as usual, felt a big mountain in my stomach watching you walk. I saw your hair, your eyes, your arm. But who’s in it? A big mountain inside my stomach like frozen. A stormy cloud reached my head full of question. She’s beautiful with that I-am-happy-with-this-man smile. Her smoky eyes tell everybody no lies. And her innocent body melt every cries. And you introduced her as your fiancé. I thought that I must been mistaken. Maybe a cup of coffee was hard enough to make me illuminating. Maybe the caffein had make some disaster in my brain. Or maybe I was just sturfing.

But her hand grab mine was so real. I was not in dreaming. They are real. And that was a time when I feel like I wanted to jump into a cold river, and never been found. That was a time when I could hate someone so bad. I never asked why, I never asked you to come back, I just wished I could go in a blink of eye.

We never met again after that afternoon. And there was another date waiting for me. I was too busy. I missed you sometimes, but I think that our time was just another your crazyness. I’m not that stupid girl waiting for you.

But I’m missing you now more than I ever felt. It is you who burst into my nightmare nowadays. You in the coffe shop, you scream april mop. You in the park, you dance Marky Mark. Yes, I think I have to do something before I’m going mad. But, I’m driving this far and drive along this streets without knowing where I should go is made me sure that I have already mad.

It’s forty two minutes before midnight. I stop for a red light. A four years old boy clap his hand under my window. I reach for a coin and open my window. He walk me out without a word. I breath some air. So this is a smell of your city. Something that might be you longing for. And as the light turn into green, I let the wind touches my skin.

My eyes catches sign, Bebek & Iga Bakar on a sidewalk. Suddenly, your laughs pop up my ears. I feel your presence as I think about the smell. You like some kind that food. A treasure, you think. I better try this one. Your smell sneaks out when I stop the car. And your smile follow my step into the tent. I let you choose the menu. Maybe you want something dried than fried. I take the corner seat and give a thanks to the waiter who bring us hot plain tea.

“I’d like some hot lemon tea for him,” I said. The waiter give me a pause look.

“Bag a pardon?” he said.

“Lemon tea, for this gent.....” I wave my hand to you, but what I see is just an empty chair.

Damn.***