Dear Kiptiya
How’s life out there? Is it interesting enough as you always dream about? Or is it a little bit tougher? Or am I the one that made it? I know you’re so bored with my “sorry”, but I am sorry to make your days harder day by day. I’ve been too busy for asking how life is going on out there. I hope you’re in good condition as usual.
Actually I don’t have any idea what to write, what to tell you in this post. I’m letting my fingers dancing on the keyboard to form this writing. All I know, I want to write. I planned to write you the day before you departed, gave you something to read when you were sitting on airplane. But I could not afford it. Brain was stiff, so were my fingers. You know what could possibly happen when our center of universe was not the place where it was before? Things became different, and some of them turned colder. My days got roughed. So I was paralyzed, lost my sense in determining what’s wrong what’s right. It stole my maturity. Thing which was used to attract you. I lost it, honey. Here I am, an ordinary boy. A real boy who lost his superior personality, even not close as a man like you used to describe. He become different, keep being a jerk. Nothing remains. Pardon me.
Sayang, I want to apologize for the troubles I keep producing. For being so selfish like a baby cries over the milk. There were days I didn’t want to hear your story. I didn’t even bother what you were doing, were you tired or not. All I keep thinking was I want you fulfill my need by any mean necessary, I wanted to always be on your top priority. I didn’t want you to move me up or down. See, sayang? How selfish I’ve become? I lost my capability of making you happy. I give you burden but I didn’t give a damn. Do you remember my theory about priority scale once I told you? I can not remember it.
I realized all of it. Even when I lost my mind, giving you words with caps lock on. Yes I realized that what I was doing was wrong. Hopefully I can control myself. But you are the remote control. You have the power to decide how my days you hope to become. Not so long a time ago, there was a man, who hated people that were so moody, they looked so weak for not mastering themselves. That man always laughed at them because he was the master of himself, there was not anything that had capability of ruining his day. You know what, that man now understand why people could be that weak. They have the other center of universe besides sun.
Sayang, I know I created people’s opinion which is not so proper to hear by your ear. The one that’s asking you what you are doing with a boy while you can have more. And I imagine how you can defend yourself by telling them that I am qualified enough. Do you still tell it? Do you still have faith in it? Cause mine is starting to fade away.
And about your effort I can not appreciate. You were right. I can not appreciate it. I want you to turn that effort into your need. I want it to become your need so if I can not still appreciate it, you will be fine. You don’t go from me. Sounds selfish as usual, honey? Yes I understand, but if you keep thinking what for you do all the sacrifices you make but you don’t get the feedback you hope to have from the senseless man like me, you might stop doing it. I don’t want it to happen. I’m craving more for it day by day. It’s the only joy I can have in the time like this. It makes me feel that I’m wanted, needed by you. That’s the only way I can sense your love.
All of your effort you’ve ever mentioned, I truly thank you. But can you just turn it into your need, please?
Finally I have an idea why I love very much more than I love myself. It’s because you still stand by me after all of this. After the madness I keep giving to you, after the improper words you hear, after the hard things I keep offering to you. It’s all insane but you stand still. Even when you know there’s no benefit for yourself by doing it.
So my loyalty is my best appreciation I’m able to give. You don’t have to worry about disturbance I received when you’re not near me. I can handle it, the same way you can handle disturbances you received when I’m not around you. You can trust me in this way. To me, you’re the life itself.
Enough for the “me” thing. Let’s talk about your life out there. I’m always curios about how cool your life now on. I mean cool like cool. Cool like when you see something fancy. How do you feel it? How you do feel about yourself? You must be very proud. You never tell me about it. Can you tell me? Give your best story to me! I want you to share with me. And about your dorm, how’s the building looks like? How is the bathroom? How is pantry? How is the classes? How is the restaurant? How is the grocery? How’s the yard? How is the MRT? I want to have the whole picture of it! So I can imagine how you run your daily life. If only I can go there and see it with my own eyes, but unfortunately I can not, you know money is always be the reason for an ordinary boy like me. LOL
I am proud of you, girl. I’m very proud. You give 100% of 100% when you have ambitions. I hope I am one of them. Cause you are the first 100% in my life. But look, I am not going to let myself left behind so far from you. I’m gonna chase your accomplishment. ;)
Sincerely, from the driest desert which can sip your sea of attention till the last drop,
Surabaya, October 11st 2012